Spelling matters. My husband texted me that we’re very low on time.
Thyme. He meant thyme.
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Wife: What are you doing today?
Me: Just gonna scroll Twitter
W: WHAT ABOUT OUR SON???
M: Nah he can’t read
Dyslexic Superbowl watchers were probably disappointed when they saw football instead of a superb owl.
Trying to watch what I eat again so I just ate an entire loaf of bread with half a jar of Nutella I’d say that’s a good start
We need less flight attendants and more Costco sample ladies on airplanes.
GOD: I call those trees and plants
ANGEL: very beautiful
GOD: ya I’m gonna make some people allergic to them
ANGEL: dude who hurt you
Arrogant Co-Worker: Do you have any idea how many years of education I have?
Me: Don’t feel bad, I got held back a couple of times myself.
Goldilocks: [on Xanax] you know what? these are all fine
I think the main issue with ‘The Hunger Games’ is that while her life is at stake, boy problems are still presented as legitimate threats.
Me: hope ur soccer team wins the great fork
American: What
Me: the good plate
American: the super bowl
Me: i knew it was a kitchen something
My crush suddenly stopped texting me today. Either she is in the gravest of danger or she spontaneously decided she hates my guts. Those are literally the only two things that could have happened.
I’m a highly motivated procrastinator.
If you need me, I’ll be right here for the next 35 years while my 4yo picks out a bedtime story to read
It’s only natural to want to let your children learn from their own mistakes and work their way out of difficult situations, but after being under a stool for several minutes I picked my Roomba, Alice, up and relocated her because I couldn’t handle that banging another second.
Thanks for the 27 hashtags describing your pic otherwise I would have never known it’s a hamburger
The only thing I do to get my body ready for summer is make sure my AC is serviced.
Meghan Trainor songs:
-All About That Bass
-Flounder’s Good Too
-Also I Like Shrimp
-Wait, I’m a Vegan
-All About That Kale
I’m so down for anne frank demon slayer
* shows up with flowers
Wife: Are we going to the hospital?
vanessa carlton drove a piano one thousand miles to get to the one she loved and i can’t even get a text back.
Mother in law just said global warming with air quotes. It’s going to be a long night.
Mary on Facebook says this generation is way to reliant on technology…
She then sent me 7 Candy Crush invites
“Sorry, boss. I can’t come in today.”
“Why not?”
[fakes a sore throat]
“I’m in jail for vehicular manslaughter.”
Witch: I don’t get it. I build an enticing candy house… Why won’t these kids eat it?
[Gestures toward her candy house which is crawling with ants]
Black cat: You got me boss
5 and 11 months: When I was a baby six years ago I was happy.
Me: You weren’t born yet then.
5: No, I mean when I was in your tummy. I didn’t have to do anything I didn’t want and it was dark and warm.
Me: *Sigh* And you didn’t fight with me on eating your dinner either.
To the person who stole my place in the queue.
I’m after you now.
Mugger: *holding knife* give me your money
Me: please, I have a family
Mugger: gimme the money and I won’t hurt you
Me: but I have a family
Mugger: do y- do you want me to stab you?
Me: more than anything
People who live in glass houses must have to clean up a lot of dead birds.
Today, I realized that I am half-centaur.
[McDonald’s drive thru]
Me: One burger pls
Drive Thru: Ok one murder got it
Me: Ha what
(In a flash, Grimace is ripping the door off my car)