me, minding my own business as a vegan:
someone: oK bUt If YoU wErE sTrAnDeD oN a DeSeRtEd IsLaNd aNd YoU hAd tO eAt mEaT tO sUrViVe
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“I farms the taters…”
“…and I mashes the taters.”
Whoever is bringing me the 3 dozen donuts each morning, thank you. But could you just leave them on my desk and not in the break room?
Imagine your card declining at a bar and they squeeze all the alcohol out of you like a lemon
Girl on Facebook
Heyy i have not seen u since high school.
Me. It’s been a while.
Her. Yea been married 6 years now : )
Me. Unfriend
*leaving a wedding*
me: her dress was really beautiful
husband: whose?
me:
husband:
me: the…the bride’s
He hid my gift in the laundry room in hopes that I wouldn’t find it
People who buy copious amounts of everything before a blizzard: Is there nothing in your house every other day of the year?
HR: “You’ve put Kurt Russell down as an emergency contact.”
Me: “Yeah, I’d like to meet him before I die. Dude is a legend.”
me: if i follow them, will i see their tweets?
Twitter: absolu-
Twitter algorithm: no.
Don’t you hate it when you misjudge a moment of silence and lean in for a kiss.
Worst police interrogation ever.
$19.99 because $20 is an outrageous amount of money!
You don’t have to do it my way, you could do it wrong also.
An apple a day keeps my fruit-picking business trapped in bankruptcy.
an airline just for babies.
waiter: *whispers* sir your card was declined
me: yeah *whispers* i don’t have any money
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
Clerk: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here.
Clerk: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
I slept with the lights on last night because I missed the light switch with all 8 of the Nerf Darts I shot while lying in bed.
you play enough angry birds and you realize: the angry bird is you.
If you introduce yourself as Sal, just know that I will be disappointed when you reveal that’s NOT short for Salami
Can’t wait for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
whenever i see a baby, i take its candy. i need the win more than the baby does.
Interviewer: So why did you leave your last job?
Me: Someone found out my birthday and decorated my cubicle with balloons.
“Daddy, I-”
*presses button for soundproof backseat divider
Wife: “HOW MUCH DID-”
*presses button for soundproof passenger seat divider
I love it when waiters tell me to tell them when to stop grating cheese on my meal.
It’s cheese, dude. We’ll be here a while.
Her: I’ll bring the wine, you bring the sandwiches. Any kind.
[later]
Her: Umm, why is the picnic basket dripping?
My: Oh no, my ice cream sandwiches!
He died doing what he loved, annoying the hell out of me and not believing I would stab him.
The average person swallows over 4,000 spiders each year. More than that. Tens of thousands. Hundreds of thousands of spiders. It’s crazy.
ME:I’m a writer
HER:What have you written?
ME:A few books, but you wouldn’t have heard of them
HER:Try me
ME:They go to a different school
Marianne Williamson is incredible. She said at her only debate that her first act as president would be to tell New Zealand they ain’t shit