wife and kids are threatening to remove me from the family group chat because my Android is messing it up and now I’m certain that I made the right phone choice
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English is a strange language. Extraordinary should mean something that is exceptionally ordinary. Noisome should be a thing that is noisy. And of course a humanitarian should eat humans.
“We are Three Percenters. We are everywhere.”
If you are only 3% you cant be everywhere.
It literally says so in your name.
Charles Barkley sounds like a made-up name a dog would think of to get into a fancy country club.
Hilarious now that anyone thought it was a plot hole that after the events of Jurassic Park that people would dare
A) Re-open the park
B) Be eager to visit the re-opened
Park
Me: I should tell him how I feel.
Beer: Nah.
Vodka: Just be sweet about it.
Whiskey: Or yell it.
Tequila: MAKE SURE YOU CRY GUYS LOVE THAT
Detective: The robber broke into the Popeye’s but didn’t take any money, in fact no one has seen him leave.
Me *disguised as a cop*: Weird, right? We should put the fried chicken and red beans and rice in my Corolla for protective custody.
perfume should come with instructions
like on medicine: Dab LIGHTLY on pulse
points Do NOT marinade in event of
overdose take shower
I’m following around cop cars all day to let them know how it feels.
Didn’t realize my kid was a midwestern farmer in a past life until we drove by a cornfield and he muttered “sure is gettin’ tall”
How do you cut ancient Rome in half?
With a pair of Caesars
i think anyone who has ever had beautiful styled hair or tried to hold a big pile of leaves in their hands will know the trouble a gust of wind can cause.
*catches frisbee*
“this is the kinda thing I mean when I say you guys don’t take staff meetings seriously”
If you unfollowed someone because you were pissed off at them but they apologize you should be able to refollow without them getting a notification and thus realizing that you unfollowed.
No reason
I’m going to change the Wi-Fi password as soon as I hear someone complain they’re bored this summer
I can’t believe my friend from high school lets her kid have an Instagram account when she’s only *checks notes* 21.
[screaming from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] Can you turn up the radio I love this song
My 5 year old still has so much to learn. I asked him for a screwdriver and he brought me some sort of tool.
#BadTimeTravelAdvice Plague, shmlague. 13th century Europe is where it’s at!
Guy: [pulls out knife]
Me: But I’m allergic to stainless steel
Guy: [stabs me]
Me: Noooo I’ll get a rash
Shout out to the guy behind me flashing red & blue lights.
Principal: about your son…
Dad: our son?
Mom: is he ok??
Principal: yes, yes. but you see, we’ve found that your son is cool. very cool. far too cool to have parents like you. [hits the intercom] Betty, please bring them in.
[Betty enters with cooler parents]
[Emergency Room]
MRS. PIÑATA: Will my husband make it, doc?
DOCTOR: We’ll do what we can but *slurping on sucker* he’s lost a lot of candy
[God, creating pigeons]
Make them pace back and forth like a lawyer.
[at the gym]
Friend: This sauna is way too hot!
Me: *slowly slips on jean jacket* Is it cooler now?
If you’re looking for someone to mute the National Geographics channel and narrate the animals thoughts, look no further.
ad for letuce:
do u- hey do u ever wish u coud eat water
“Listen to your body”
My body: you’re 42, sit tf down
date: your glasses make you look smart
me: well i had to fail a test to get them so
Bad hair day 429: I no longer look as though I’ve been electrocuted, but the birds, so, so many birds
Legally, you don’t actually have to ever stop screaming.