I just got excited about a new scent of dish soap.
No one warned me adulthood was going to be such a non-stop thrill ride.
You Might Also Like
Everybody mad at me like it’s common knowledge to wait til after the eulogy before you start clapping. Sorry I didn’t go to funeral college.
If Mr Krabs owned a bar
The people who make sexy noises when they stretch are my kinda people.
Me: my dog Ruffles can talk – what’s the outside of a tree?
Ruffles: bark!
Me: a word to describe shouting an order?
Ruffles: bark!
Friend: he’s just woofing
Ruffles: I said bark not woof, you idiot
“You busy tonight?”
Well, that 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.
I can’t believe I got kicked out of chess club. I didn’t realize there were rules, I just thought the pieces fought like action figures. I shouldn’t have brought Wolverine.
I could win awards for having a bad memory.
In fact, I probably did. How would I know.
Money never impressed me much.. but neither has being poor.
*puts one hand on hip, sips tea, stares out of the window at the rain*
“This is just ridiculous”
My boyfriend told me to stop acting like a flamingo so I had to put my foot down
Imagine meeting the person of your dreams and then finding out they use cutlery to eat a burger.
Therapist: Do you have a support system?
Me: I have a lumbar pillow.
Therapist: No, I mean a family, friends?
Me: I have a lumbar pillow.
Sorry your team lost. Maybe you should’ve told the players what to do more loudly from your recliner.
Spent $20 on face coverings for my kids but I’m saving thousands of dollars on braces.
Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.
2014: maybe 2015 will be better
2015: maybe 2016 will be better
2016: omg, wtf is happening?
2017: is this a bad dream?
2018: no seriously, WTF?!
2019: AN ASTEROID WOULD BE NICE
Homeschooling, Day whatever: This school really needs a new janitor.
WebMD is a Choose Your Own Adventure book where every single story ends in malignant cancer
A realistic Godzilla movie would be 2 cats defeating him by tripping him and purring on his legs while he’s trying to walk down a mountain.
“I got in a fight at Michaels over glitter glue once, so you should probably step aside.”
-Me, to a guy buying the last of my favorite wine
Gotta get to bed early-tomorrow I’m bringing down the recycling
I always say “Beep beep! Tough guy alert!” when I see a guy in a Tap Out shirt so he knows I know he’s a tough guy.
parrots can literally talk, why is everyone so ok with it
I jump out in front of you and open my trenchcoat, but I’m fully clothed. I start showing you the kittens I keep in the pockets. Are they wearing their own tiny raincoats? Heck yeah they are
Him: You’re some eye candy.
Me: Yeah! A Sour Patch.
cat vs inanimate object
Nothing but love for the older woman who saw her husband staring at two people screaming at each other in the grocery store parking lot, said “mind your business, Morty,” before looking at me, thirty feet away, and saying, “you too.”
Overweight people know they’re overweight, tall people know they’re tall, why is it that stupid people don’t know what they are?
My car, spinning uncontrollably thru a crowd of ppl, & my Korean friend screams”HIT THE BLAKES” & I’m like”I CANT BE THAT SELECTIVE”
I hope I never meet “the woman of my dreams” because that woman is neon green and nine feet tall and chases me with a weed whacker