that colleague who touches your screen
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[to wife on phone] yes spend all our life savings on honey
W: but-
PLS JUST DO IT
*ends phonecall*
BEAR [holding gun to my head]: u did good
*lays down on the battlefield*
You all go on without me. I’m tired.
So many people recognized me with my mask on that I had to cross Bank Robber off my list of career options
1st date: get whatever you want
2nd date: these desserts are expensive
3rd date: let’s split an appetizer
4th date: waiter, I have a coupon
[spelling bee]
Your word is “spider”
Can you use it in a sentence?
“A spider has eight eyes.”
[kid smiles]
Spider. S-P-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-D-E-R
Driving is great because it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad
Just overheard someone say they found $100 in a coat pocket they must have forgotten about from last year. Let me tell you something if I ever lost $100 I wouldn’t forget. People would see me coming and say “there’s that guy that won’t shut up about losing $100.”
Always keep a dog eared book on your nightstand so that people think you know how to read.
Me to my first grade class: Everyone please close your eyes for a minute.
6yo: Did you forget to put on your deodorant again?
How come it’s called an “engagement ring” and not kneel diamond?
why you guys always think you were some cool person in your past life and not a fly that lived for like 24 hours, settle down
A moment of silence for our dear friend, liquid water, who did not survive the 100° temperature… You will be mist…
‘Believe me I am a expertise when it comes to lovemaking.’
I believe you Internet stranger.
I totally believe you.
I’m calling Facebook “Mom” now because all it does is tell me who from my high school is engaged and remind me about my cousins’ birthdays.
It’s weird that ‘coward’ doesn’t mean
“towards a cow”.*sips wine*
Freak parents out on Facebook by posting, “Just read a health article about how a camera flash causes diabetes in kids under the age of 10.”
Welcome to middle age. You now do sock, shoe, sock, shoe to be more efficient when bending over.
“Dad what IS the moon?”
It is cheese. Delicious cheese. Thats why rats come out at nite, to look at it. We must never let rats on the moon.
Daylight Saving Time is increasingly hard to notice when my digital are devices are like, “What? Nothing happened. We know what time it is.”
And my stove is left blinking and screaming, “IT HAPPENED! TIME SHIFTED UNNATURALLY! THEY’RE ALL LYING! ONLY I KNOW! ONLY I REMEMBER!”
[Santa installing fog lamps on the front of his sleigh]
Rudolph: what’s that Santa?
Santa: oh it’s nothing venison
Rudolph: what?
Santa: I meant son….nothing son
Jogging has never helped my memory.
Dentist: You grind at night.
Me: Oh, game recognize game.
I was just about to have sex but then a gust of wind blew my condom into a labyrinth and like a fool I ran in to get it
You know shit’s about to get real when I put on yoga pants before dessert.
If my dog had a catchphrase it would be, “I came as soon as I heard! What do you need me to eat??”
Zodiac Killer origin story where he’s bullied by an astrologist
People: why do dogs bark at the mail man every single day
Dogs: the mailman has literally never gotten in how do you not see what I’m doing
[wearing a negative pressure suit and a space helmet]
Her: Are you really that worried about the virus?
Me: Virus?
911: What’s your emergency?
[sounds of struggling and growling]
911: Hello?!
Me: I OFFERED THIS RACCOON MY SANDWICH BUT I CHANGED MY MIND
Sure, intimacy is great and all, but have you ever slept diagonally on a king size bed.