Oh my god
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WARNING: Local youths are challenging passers-by to attempt the world record for how fast a person can climb the oak tree on Pinewick Road. DON’T DO IT. Once you’re up the tree, they steal your bicycle. Also, I don’t think they timed me so I don’t even know if I broke the record
I couldn’t remember the word tumbleweed
Me: Whats the best thing on the menu?
Waiter: The cheesebur-
Me: WRONG!
*points to the picture I drew on it of Ironman fighting Darth Vader*
They say being a hostage is difficult – but I could do that with my hands tied behind my back.
customer: have you worked here a long time
me, a waiter: 14 years sir
customer: wow ok what do you recommend
me: finishing college
Most of my Biology exams were Bio D Gradeable.
I’ll let myself out.
I’m on to you, Jake Gyllenhaal. I know you’re hiding another vowel in your name.
“no gods no masters” = leo
Him: I’m gonna throw you over my shoulder, carry you into the bedroom, toss you onto the bed, and have my way with you…
Me: Ok but on the way to the bedroom, can we swing by the fridge?
Sometimes I’m eating chips and I pick up a chip crumb off my shirt and eat it but it’s a different flavor of chip than I’m currently eating.
I’m sick and my son just brought me tea and said let me know if you need anything else my queen so I bumped him up in the will and gave him ice cream for dinner.
Amazing coincidence how the things I agree with are objectively true and the things I disagree with aren’t
One time I stepped on a sea urchin and I forgot all about the migraine I was having, so yeah, I’d say acupuncture is pretty effective.
[family therapy]
JIMMY: My dad turns everything into a movie reference
DOC: Why do you do that?
ME: I want to develop a bond, James. Bond
my new app automatically cuts wifi access to your teen’s phone if they are in the bathroom over 10min
The Canadian authorities should bring in Billy Joel for questioning.
Customer Service Person: is there anything else I can help you with today?
Me: Is this a date? It feels like a date now.
I asked my husband to babyproof the cabinets in the kitchen and he did, but now I’m mad that I can’t get into the cabinets in the kitchen.
[DOG COP TV DRAMA]
DOG SHERIFF: Drop the gun, Scruffy. Be a good boy!
SCRUFFY: I know a little secret *lifts gun* All dogs go to Heaven.
*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?
Sick of the media always blaming video games for the rise in fantastical jewel-seeking quests.
Saw a man at the beach screaming, “SAVE ME..I’m drowning”.
I instantly uploaded
his pic, captioned “1 like = 100 prayers” on facebook..!!
date: you look nice
me: well you look very [peeks at thesaurus under the table]…ornate
When abroad, James Bond is known as +44 07.
The Hobbit 4:
Bilbo’s relatives auction off his stuff
Bilbo puts on his ring
One by one, his relatives die under mysterious circumstances
*Chicken strips*
Me: *blushes*
[job interview for psychic]
INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
ME: Well played.
I want a boyfriend but I also want the pizza all to myself so you see my dilemma
*scampers over to ice cream truck*
Yes, I’ll take the SpongeBob who looks like he just opened the Ark of the Covenant, please.
Me, after playing Hot Cross Buns on the recorder: Honestly I didn’t write that, it was a cover. I’m working on some originals though.