Me: Sometimes I don’t get Jo’s tweets.
Marta: Maybe you’re not high enough?
Me: * climbs tree
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Husband: Do you know where I put my lava lamp?
Me: 1970.
“Eat your dinner so that lamb didn’t die for nothing” – will ensure you get your daughter’s helping, too.
*raises the last pack of toilet paper to the sky like Simba*
The mice in my apartment left me a note that said as long as I keep buying store brand graham crackers, there’s no need for traps.
The Passion of the Christ 2: Jesus in Space
He conquered the sins of the world, but can he conquer the sins of the galaxy?
Last time I went trick or treating, a high school bully stole my candy. Later I heard he spent 10yrs in prison which is totally unbelievable because I didn’t press charges.
ME: *kneading the crap out of a box of Kleenex*
STORE CLERK: Excuse me, what are you doing?
ME: deep tissue massage
CLERK: *whispering into walkie talkie* security
My biggest fear is dying in a car accident that doesn’t destroy my phone
*pours a shaker of salt into the ocean*
You’re free now
I’m watching Peppa Pig right now and I’m wondering what Papa Pig’s side hustle is that he can afford to take his whole family the Paris on a cement inspector’s salary.
So rude of Ashton Kutcher to file divorce papers right before Demi Moore’s 150th birthday.
Dove: ..then he called me a fat pigeon! [sobs]
Prince: “There there, cry it out” [starts recording]
Um, you are a therapist, right?
“Sure”
I don’t like doing the same things again so much that I can never be a serial killer.
I hate when people say “next time you’re in my neck of the woods”
omg this isn’t the prairie Laura, you live across from a Starbucks
i’d rather go to jail than go camping. at least jail is inside
Pretty sure my refrigerator is having sex with itself from all the noises its making.
Haha there’s a squirrel on the fence and he’s walking back and forth like he can’t make up his mind because he’s on the fence.
Me: I don’t know how to hold this baby
Her: Head held high
Me *proudly* I don’t know how to hold this baby
Love means never having to say you’re sorry for accidentally bringing home six more cats.
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me: [starts testing all the smoke detectors]
Finally a use for spoilers…
[hotel room]
Her: why are you making the bed
Me: I can’t have housekeeping thinking we’re slobs, Karen
Me to 2yo: Hey bud, what are you having for breakfast? Sausage? Eggs? Hash browns? Oh… 8 forkfulls of ketchup? Good job!
Women have to be pissed knowing female kangaroos have an ingrown, biological fanny pack when they can’t even get pockets in their pants.
The most unrealistic part of Star Wars is that everyone knows how to fix their own spaceship.
That show “Catfish” should just be called “People Who Have Never Heard of Google.”
*train conductor after 15 minutes not moving* ladies and gentlemen you wouldn’t believe the amount of buttons im looking at right now
Morgan Freeman: Get busy living or get busy dying
Me: Hell yeah![After spending a week with me]
Morgan Freeman: Which….which one are you doing?
I was driving home the other day, when suddenly a group of robbers jumped in and stole everything. They were pirates of the car I be in.
Phonetics