[street]
ME: “What if I park here?”
PARKING OFFICER: *writing a ticket* “Fine by me”
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asked my dentist out but she brushed me off, said she only dates plaque guys
Not gonna paste any more time on that cavitease, it’s her floss
[blind date]
HIM: so Paul says that you’re a real charmer *smiles*
ME:*whips out three snakes from my bag and a flute* you bet i am
Me: Time for school.
5-year-old: But we had three days off.
Me: So?
5: I can’t go back. I forgot everything.
Teachers don’t get paid enough.
just discovered the true meaning of family and it turns out to be noun, a group of people related to each other by blood or marriage 😭😭
Me: *pulls the spider web off my face* ugh gross
Spider: *very hungry* dammit
911: what’s your emergency
me: my neighbors gone crazy, he’s screaming about superman and dragging his wife around by the hand.
911: what’s his location?
me: he’s 3 doors down
instead of “did you eat today babe?” it’s always “how many eggs did you eat today babe?” and “was it only eggs again babe?” and “there are only two eggs left babe, the carton was full this morning.”
Calm down penguins. You’re just a flashy suit and a few body parts away from being a platypus.
When a store says “trusted since 1982” I just wonder what shady shit they were up to in 1981.
Sex at my age is like cooking spaghetti noodles;
At first, it doesn’t seem like much, but any more, and you’re in over your head.
Like a good neighbor
plow my driveway, not my wife
*brings a tranquilizer gun to a pillow fight*
I saw a smart car pass a Jeep today. The Jeep was parked on the side of the road, but still.
If I refer to myself as, “sauced up,” it probably just means I have honey, BBQ and ranch to dip my nuggets in.
My 3yo said ‘mummy’ 6,358 times today and I can’t find the page in the parenting book that tells you what to do when they malfunction
‘You’ll go to hell for that joke’
*in Hell
Me: What did you do?
Hitler: Genocide, what did you do?
Me: Dunno tweeted a joke
[Talking w/Doc]
The wife wants to try period sex
“Seems unsanitary to me”
I dont think u understand-
*wife bursts in wearing medieval armor*
me: what do you know about atoms?
friend: very little
me: besides that
😂 amazing answer
“Everybody Dance Now” – C & C Music Factory
“20 sided Dice now” – D & D Music Factory#LunchPun #RateMyPun
Saturday
losing the office zoom costume competition to GRAPES <<<<<
Gramma: When I was your age, a candy bar was a nickel
Me: That sounds really hard to swallow
I envy those who look beautiful with a messy bun and not me who looks like I either just climbed out of a ditch or played with an outlet with a fork.
I heard if you click that little follow button, Twitter releases one of the captive birds it uses for its logo. Do the right thing.
THE SHINING (1980): An oblivious pair of incessant chatterboxes are finally taught to respect the sanctity of a writer’s space.
I’m not ever going back to a class reunion again, last time there were just a bunch of old people there.
Starting a diet is a lot like starting a lawn mower, you struggle and sweat and end up on the couch eating ice cream with your shirt off.
As a kid I was forced to deal with the feelings when my dad went to the store for cigarettes and came back every time.
I have very conflicting feelings about getting murdered because on one hand I’d be dead but on the other hand I’d be making sure female podcasters had content and I love women supporting women