[table of 6 year olds in lab coats]
How are we supposed to find a cure for cooties if we
*bangs fist on table*
CAN’T EVEN FIND WALDO?!
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Can’t believe you got your kid’s name tattooed on you, like what if you break up?
Well, well, well. If it isn’t that same mistake I’ve made several times already.
I’m white but not ‘sleep in front of a store to save $30 on a television’ white.
“Is this true love or just a kidnapping?” I yell from the trunk
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
[last supper]
drunk jesus: *swinging baguette wildly* You want a piece of me!?
They say children are a gift from god. I’m totally wide-open to regifting.
me: what is it boy?
my stomach: brrrggfkppr
me: you need food? vitamins and minerals? protein? fiber?
my stomach: hrrrbbb
me: would you settle for 89 potato chips?
Me: I’ll drink to that!
Person who brought me to church: [whispers] We usually just say “Amen.”
Alan Rickman lost in the woods, leaving a trail of perfectly pronounced words
Breaking news:
If your wife uses “I” it means she will be doing something. “We” means you will be.
Just saw my Nana for what will probably be the last time. She’s very healthy but never wants to see me again.
Pretty rude to eat a salad in front of your houseplants
I, too, enjoy McDonald’s sausage biscuits. We will dialogue further, you and I.
dad: Hand me that Phillips screwdriver
me: *looking*
dad: Isn’t that a Phillips beside you?
me: It says “Craftsman”
dad:
me: Are you crying?
Little kids will ask why you’re crying & when you tell them the reason, they say something like “ok can I go finish my drawing?” Yeah go ahead, Dexter
My kid hasn’t finished her homework but she did call a family meeting to show us the 20 slide presentation she created on why we should get a cat.
Just said “finger bang” instead of “finger guns” and this is why I shouldn’t ever be allowed to speak in public.
If you want your kid to repeat doing something then just say “don’t do that!”
Cop 1: You think Simon will escape?
Cop 2: Nah, he’s locked up in there good.
Simon: Simon Says free me.
Cop 1: Dang it, he got us.
Pescaterian: eats fish
Pestcaterian: eats insects
Pezcaterian: eats candy from a cartoon character
in the 90s the internet used to scream at you when you tried to enter and they should never have taken that warning away
My wife traumatically ripped the blankets off me last night. But I will recover.
WIFE: It’s always best to overdress on your 1st day of work
ME: Ok
[later]
ME: You wanted to see me?
BOSS: It’s about your suit of armor
Early in any job interview be sure to use the phrase “I always give 110%”, so you can quickly gauge their tolerance for working with idiots.
My house has been so messy lately, I’m making myself watch Hoarders to motivate me to clean it so I don’t end up starring in an episode.
I’m going to leave the presents out and hide my kids in the closet until Christmas.
Establish dominance over your cat by suddenly bolting out of the room for no reason.
“My god, it’s the zombie apocalypse. Everyone grab the most critical items and get ready to run”
*me holding a Shrek 2 DVD*
Way ahead of you