Mother Paper Bag: We need to talk.
Teen Bag: *removes earbud* What?
M: Your father was plastic.
T: But –
M: It’s true. You’re a mixed bag.
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Sometimes I’m really happy I decided to become a parent and other times I’m not calculating my Federal Tax deductions.
It’s adorable when my mom says “It’s your mom” on my voicemail like I’ve never heard her voice before.
detective: take him away boys
video: *being dragged away* I DIDNT KILL THE RADIO STAR. I WAS FRAMED
YouTube: *flicks cigarette* the plan is going perfectly
I cannot remain silent any longer. It hurts my feelings when Wordle hits me with the “phew” when I get it on the last try.
M: I’m gonna go relax
H: ok I’m gonna clean out a closet and come ask you questions until you offer to help
team rocket: that boy’s pikachu is special
meowth: hey
team rocket: we need it
meowth: im literally the only pokemon who can talk
team rocket: that pikachu is so unique no other pokemon will do
Meowth: guys
team rocket: only that pikachu is deserving of love
Current status: I just turned on the garbage disposal so the cats wouldn’t hear me getting the cheese out of the fridge.
SHE SAID YES!! 😍😍😍💍💍💍 i asked my mom if she was disappointed in me!!
i think my razor is having a panic attack
What kind of bears don’t have teeth? Gummi bears. 😉
Believe me, I looked.
But I couldn’t find a single Valentine’s card that said “You’re a nice guy, but I don’t want to go on a third date.”
Animals…..
Hey what are you looking at don’t you have anything better to do it’s only an panda having a nice bath ok…..😏😉
A woman could tweet “My dog just died” and she would get replies like “Well, I’m not dead ;)”
“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself
Photographer: Ok. You two hold hands, & u, in the back, hold a gun to that guy’s head. Nice. I’ll add blush in post.
*a friend tells me their problems*
me: mhm, ok, have you tried eating about it?
They say children are our future, but when the wifi went out and my son didn’t know how to turn off a lamp, I’m not so sure about this.
interviewer : you said you have a dark past, so why should we hire you ?
me : …so I can pay my electricity bills
The lady next to me on the plane smells like she ate a bowl of grandmas for breakfast.
Me: I generally dislike myself as a person but I also assume everyone I know has a crush on me
Interviewer: a job-related weakness…
My wife is scrolling through Netflix to see what shows I watched between now and when she asked me to vacuum. Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit.
i’m planning to eat the rich, but can i sub out fries for a salad?
I’ll be so happy when 2020 is over in a few years
“Check engine”
Yep, it’s still there.
From now on when people come up to me while I’m pregnant and say, ‘looks like you’re getting so close now!’ I’m just going to start saying ‘you too!’
Troll: Horrible thing.
Me: Horrible thing back.
Troll: I was just giving my honest opinion.
Me: Me too.
Troll: But…
Me: Got any 7s?
Wife: Go fish
Me: *returns from Bering Strait a changed man* I watched the sea take my best friend to his grave. Got any 3s?
* deletes account
*reactivates
AND, ONE MORE THING…
what if i hugged you really tight and then loosened my grip slowly and then told you your blood pressure is 140/90
HR: for the last time, stop using air quotes when referring to your boss
Me: “ok”