Hi, I’d like a salamus sandwich, please.
“You mean salami?”
No, just a single salamus.
“People who make Latin jokes are a bunch of ani.”
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My son has been away all week on a school trip. I asked my daughter: ‘do you miss your brother?’
She looked at me puzzled and said ‘isn’t he in his room?’ALL week.
They should invent clothes that get fat with you
I’ve just renamed my WiFi network to “Police Surveillance Van #02”.
That should keep my pikey neighbours on their toes for a while.
*pees on all the jellyfish on the beach preventatively*
Every time you hire a clown for a kid’s birthday party, a therapist gets a new car.
Me watching Luther: Oh you beautiful broken violent man, I would love you through it all.
Me on a date: Eyebrows don’t match, I’m out.
Me: I dangle gummy worms out of my bathing suit bottoms and wear a sign that says, “Early bird gets the worm.”
Priest: Super weird, but not a sin.
Hiring Manager: Your resume is impressive but what experience do you have in the field?
Me: Frolicking, stopping to smell the roses- typical field stuff sir
8yo: Is it okay if Dylan comes over?
Me: Is he the one with the PS4?
8: Yes.
Me: And motorized scooter?
8: Yes.
Me: And trampoline?
8: Can you drive me to his house?
What idiot called it proposing and not kneel diamond
People who say they don’t have a mean bone in their body haven’t had their back go out on them.
What do you mean I didn’t bring anything into this relationship? The washer and dryer were mine
I had to grease a lot of palms to get to where I am today
*cut to me oiling up tropical trees*
haha excellent
Those 3 little letters that mean so much: PTO
Hearing those four little words always makes my day.
“Your order just shipped.”
First Date:
Him: So, are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: (already cleaning him with my tongue)
And you may find yourself
behind the wheel
of a large cockerel mobile
ghosts: let’s only try to be seen by everyone’s aunts & no one else
I know it’s been discussed before but the shift of the McAllister family from a Pepsi to Coca-Cola household in Home Alone 1 to 2 is truly jarring. A family with no brand loyalty is not to be trusted.
When John Wick misses his wife and dog, Keanu Grieves
The Matrix Reloaded was a good movie, Keanu Believes.
If he stole, he’d be Keanu Thieves.
When he’s sick, Keanu Heaves.
He is Keanu Reeves.
The Hello Kitty exorcism kit includes my gullibility for being duped into buying her cute products again.
[hardware store]
Me: Let me do the talking. This is man stuff
Wife: Fine
Clerk: Can I help you?
Me: I need a whacker thingy to hit nails
it’s always sad when you have to take your sick goldfish out to the pasture and shoot it in the head.
If Jehovah’s witnesses brought red wine and Pringles with them, I’d gladly let them in to spend an afternoon chatting about religion.
Bobby pin
My son wants a new iPhone for Christmas and I’m having fond memories of when he couldn’t talk.
Twitter should have ” Throwing tomato” button.
boss: your coworker is concerned you don’t like them
me: oh, I don’t.
boss:
me: anything else?
The 9 levels of midwestern anger
9. “jesus, mary and, joseph”
8. “Woah woah woah”
7. “Hold your horses”
6. “Jeez Louise”
5. “For Heaven’s sake””
4. “If I had a nickel for every time”
3. “Well, now wait a minute”
2. “For Pete’s sake”
1. “Listen here pal”
Me: C’mon.
Dog: No.
Me: Let’s go.
Dog: No.
Me: Please?
Dog: YOU TRYING TO KILL ME?!?
Me: It’s just rain.
Dog: I already pooped in your shoe.