*school is cancelled indefinitely*
My kids: Mom, why are you crying?
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Dr: I’m afraid you’ve got airportitis
Patient: airportitis? I’ve never heard of it. Is it… serious?
Dr: it’s terminal
P:
Dr:
P:
Dr: nah, you’ve just got a cold
P: you’re an awful human being
ME: my wife and I do this cute thing where we finish each other’s sentences
WARDEN: no
[at the hunting store]
Me: where’s the camo gear?
Clerk [winks]: exactly
Just saw a guy using a payphone. I can only assume he’s being told where to deliver the ransom money.
I’m only a vegetarian so people won’t invite me anywhere
gender reveal party:
-boring
-only 2 outcomes
-too much socializingfather reveal party:
-exciting
-many outcomes
-party may end early
Good morning to everyone except people that eat while leaving you a voicemail.
*1st time at gym*
*picks up weight*
how do i equip this
*steps on treadmill*
can i get exp on here
*taps huge guy*
do you sell mana potions
[bday party]
Mum: happy birthday son
Me: wow that’s a huge cake!
Mum: its full of bees
Me: what
Mum [backing away]: I said it’s cream cheese
me: im depressed
therapist: try a good walk
me: will that work
therapist: yes *subtly gives a ‘thumbs up’ to my dog*
when i wake up with no”good morning baby” text 😡
I talk dirtier in traffic than I do during sex.
[murder scene]
Snail detective 1-He left a decent trail
SD2- Let’s track him down
*10 hours later*
SD1-Damn that guy is fast
Things that don’t exist:
1. Unicorn
2. Ghosts
3. Whatever thing that my wife tells me to get from her handbag.
*first date*
Brain: Quick say something intresting
Me: Lasagna is spaghetti flavored cake
Brain: Nice
Objective: Get to bathroom without engaging Boyfriend’s roommates
Parents, when you go to the bathroom don’t forget to lock the door so your kids can show you what it would be like if zombies were trying to break down your door in an apocalypse.
I feel like whoever named it a “magic marker” was really overselling their product expectation-wise.
People are writing condolences on my Grandma’s Facebook that sound more like Yelp reviews of her. Great woman, very loving, 5/5 stars
i like how at the end of old movies it says ‘the end’ so you arent horrorstruck by the thought of a fictional universe persisting unobserved
[raises arms to stretch, a cardinal swoops in and lays an egg]
I guess it’s time to shave for summer.
Drank two Monster Energy drinks and started my car by screaming at it.
I Spit On Your Gravy #MakeAHorrorFilmLessScary
pat pat
Southern women don’t outright fight. We passive aggressively drive one another into the ground with compliments and trying to make the better fried chicken.
Her: Get out, this is the ladies room!
Me: Oh please, If I paid attention to every sign with a picture on it I’d never get a parking place.
Who’s this, “Chris Moss,” everyone keeps telling me to marry today? Chris better be short for Christine, or something.
When it comes to politics I’m an agnostic. I don’t believe there’s an honest politician nor can I prove that one does not exist.
Had a date today and it was nice. Will try raisins tomorrow