So then I said, “Spit on it first, then see if it’ll fit.”
…And that’s why my wife no longer allows me to help our son with puzzles.
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[harry potter at an interview]
interviewer: it says here you found & destroyed seven horcuxes
harry: that’s correct, sir
interviewer: but no experience creating a powerpoint presentation, wow
Dance like you aren’t depressed. Sing like you didn’t kill that homeless guy. Love like you don’t have herpes.
What happens when you build a house on top of an old cemetery for accordion players?
You have a polkageist.
I’m uncomfortable sharing my feelings with you but completely comfortable standing next to a complete stranger while urinating.
Guys.
[in deep space]
Everyone: [in hypersleep]
Me: [wakes up every few hours to pee]
My wife: *catches me in bed with a Transformer*
Me: Wait! It’s not what it looks like!
What you say: Don’t make a mess in the bathroom.
What the child hears: There are six bottle of nail polish in the vanity drawer.
[self-quarantine day 3]
must clean the house and bathe[self-quarantine day 8]
have to get my shit together[self-quarantine day 15]
can’t keep living like this[self-quarantine day 21]
might be losing it[self-quarantine day 34]
taught mr. wiggles to play “careless whisper”
Passive aggressive has never been my thing, I prefer chasing you with a chainsaw.
i hate being a girl i wish i was a computer virus
The woman in the next chair is being quite rude to her hairstylist, so I can’t wait to see how the back of her hair turns out.
Me: *tied up*
Guy: *hits my kneecap*
M: I’m not a rat!
G: Bring in her sworn enemy!
G2: *tosses Rubik’s Cube at me*
M: Oh god no! I’ll talk!
FYI fellas: if u wake up with some chick and u can’t remember her name, take her to Starbucks. They’ll write her name on the cup for ya!
Come on guys, lemme back in the gang! I’m real good at crimes!
“No”
Why?
“YOU GOT ARRESTED BY A POLICE HORSE CARL HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE”
Oohh, you play bass, as in the guitar. I thought you played bass, like the fish. I would’ve paid to see that.
[astronaut test]
Before you begin, questions?
[hand raised]
“Is it true the moon is cheese?”
Are you that damn mouse again?
[mouse runs out]
me, angry: I’m LEAVING-
doorknob: nope *catches purse strap*
Nothing says ‘I love you’ like an echo chamber
your body is a ghost factory that takes one lifetime to produce a ghost
PATIENT: How tough was medical school for a dog like you?
DR DOG: *thinking back on all the homework he ate* It wasn’t easy
*playing with a ouija board at a cocktail party*
Me: Is anyone here with us?
T E L L T H E S E P E O P L E T O
U S E A C O A S T E RM: Oh my god! Mom!
Yes, go ahead and verify my pictures, Tinder. Because so many people out there would pretend to look like this on purpose.
AT&T had a nationwide outage, giving kids an authentic 1900s experience.
LIFE HACK: If a person is drowning, you can save their life by putting them in a bag of rice
Always wanted to call people who don’t like astronomy “Galactos Intolerant”
#gameofthrones greatest achievement this season: getting us to root for a guy to hook up with a woman we all knew was his aunt.
Plot twist. He’s actually a beautiful woman pretending to be a gross boomer reply guy
An adult is a person who makes noise when they stand up.
Why is it called gluten intolerance and not “going against the grain”?
Me: *walks up to table next to mine in restaurant*
Are you done with that yet?
Her: We said no.
Me: But I need a green crayon for the tree.