BOSS: It’s come to my attention that you’ve disabled attachments for emails. You have to fix that.
BUDDHA: But attachments cause suffering.
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No matter how handsome/beautiful you are, your passport picture or ID card will always find ways to humble you
What did u do last night?
Me: I drowned my swallows in whiskey
Don’t u mean sorrows?
Me [covering tub of dead birds]: is that the saying?
[plays harmonica] is this kissing?
*is at the movies with hot date*
*does fake yawn to put arm around her*
*yawns too hard and inhales a child from the row in front*
*dies*
Shout out to countless marine organisms who died, accreted on the seafloor, and compacted for eons so I could drive my Escalade to Kmart.
I would offer to wisk you away on a forbidden, sin filled vacation, but I just paid for an airport mixed drink instead…
I don’t know who needs to hear this but you’re not a savage, you’re an idiot.
My husband was just looking at me like I’m some kind of super hero and all I said was, “yes, we do have onion for the burgers.”.
Instruments were designed to be actually played, not “air played,” Kirk.
Sorry I missed your wedding, but Netflix just autoplays the next episode now.
Arthur just couldn’t quite get used to working from home.
You dance so good girl. Hell yes. That looks great. You are a flower swaying with the wind. Do the running man.
-Alcohol
shoutout to Disney for giving me unrealistic expectations about love, talking animals and my singing voice
The family pet is getting old so we’re all pitching in and throwing the dog poop in the neighbors yard when she can’t make it over there.
I made a mix tape for a girl in the 90’s & she responded by giving me a blank cassette titled “What I Like About You”.
You learn something new every day.
Except yesterday. Yesterday was a washout.
People have sex without music playing? How do you know when to change partners?
I was stopped at a red light when I noticed the car next to me trying to play charades. I didn’t want to play, but I could tell they REALLY wanted me to get it! We all played our best game of charades. Got it before the green light. Turns out my lights weren’t on.
Answer every question with “Yes, but is it deep-fried?”
me: i need to a place to relax.
cruise ship director: say no more. i want you to imagine a giant office building on its side filled with thousands of people floating in the middle of the ocean.
i’m no stephen hawking but i think
what happens is that they cancel
each other out
[Job Interview]
Sir, it says here you’re part of a small group of criminals that primarily kills interviewersoohhhhmygod
Mall Cop: The guy from Jersey Shore stole a spray tan kit. He’s running up the escalator.
[static]
MC: THE SITUATION IS ESCALATING RAPIDLY
Instructions for frozen chicken pot pie:
1. Preheat oven to 400
2. Cook on baking sheet for 16 days
3. Let stand 5 minutes before serving
I knew I’d pissed off Mother Nature when she sent a hurricane to wash my car and then left it on my roof.
Plugging your phone into your work computer: “Would you like this device to access your photos?”
No! Abort! Abort!!
Yesterday, Trump spoke to two female American astronauts while they were in space. Not only did they make history being the first crew to perform an all-woman spacewalk, they also made history by being the first women to speak to Trump at a distance that was probably pretty safe.
The sole purpose of your child’s middle name….is so they know when they’re really in trouble
I set an alarm when I’m napping just to make sure I’m not late for my second nap.
If Planet Fitness didn’t want me eating a turkey leg on the stairmaster then they shouldn’t call it a “Judgment free” zone.