The revolution will be televised, but interrupted by a live breaking story about a new panda at the zoo.
You Might Also Like
Grapefruit – for when you want your food to taste like getting beaten up
I tried the Japanese method of decluttering my home where you throw away everything that doesn’t bring you joy.
So far, I’ve thrown out all the vegetables, the electric bill, the scale, my bras and the boyfriend.
Me: I was bitten by a Karen at Starbucks, will I become a Werekaren!?
ER Dr: No, we’ll just need to..
Me: I WANT TO SPEAK TO YOUR MANAGER!
Relationship status: just said goodnight to my living room.
MARY JANE: daddy, what’s my name from?
ME: it’s from the comic Spider-Man
420BLAZEIT: and mine?
ME: umm [sweating] also Spider-Man
i love that my tweets still say i’m tweeting from earth because i know a lot of you are tweeting straight from URANUS
Watching the end credits of a movie so you can take note of the producer & director and never ever watch anything else that they make
●︿●
i cant feel my face when im with you /
please untie me /
nose is itchy
I used to sing my daughter to sleep at night, which is probably why her first word was “Stop.”
My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.
When I awoke from the car accident in a full bodycast, my wife was right at my bedside to let me know that childbirth is still more painful.
[sees old friend after 4 years]
“God, you were so fat back in school.”
“Yeah, well I lost a lot of it last year.”
“No you didn’t.”
Every time I go down the village there’s one less child and one more goose and I think we really need to make more ‘Do Not Drink’ warning signs for the cursed well.
It was a sad day when I discovered my Universal Remote Control did not, in fact, control the Universe. Not even remotely.
Arguing w him is like playing Pictionary w/ the person who draws one weird little shape and just keeps circling it over and over and over.
*at the confessional
Priest: .’..and do you repent? Do you plan to repeat these sins?’
Me: ‘You mean, like, ever?’
I remember when peer pressure was all about drugs and promiscuous sex.
Now it’s Fitbit and who has the best gluten free recipes.
Toddlers will take your last nerve, deep fry it and eat it for breakfast.
If someone challenged me to a pie fight, I’d 100% choose the apple pie in the freezer.
There’s a woman reading the bible on the tube. Fighting the urge to lean over to her and say “He dies at the end”.
Snow White is baking a pie with squirrels and chipmunks and there’s not one turd anywhere.
Not one.
If you don’t clean up this room I will empty threat you so hard!
Someone asked me if I’d found my soulmate and I was like lol I cant even find my debit card.
My spirit animal is a hamster named Bob.
He used to be a regular hamster named Bob.
But, I kinda forgot to feed him for a couple of weeks.
My daughter is pissed because I made her miss a forensics club meeting for a dentist appointment and the way she’s staring at me suggests that she’s plotting a way to use her forensic knowledge on me.
Parenting’s First Law of Physics:
An object in motion ends up resting on the floor until there’s an argument over who should pick it up.
I’m good in short bursts like grenades or gamma radiation.
“Daddy will u tuck me in?:)”
“Ok”
*tucks him in*
“Daddy sing me a song:)”
“Ok”
*clears throat*
LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODIES H
What do people who drive 20 mph slower in the rain want from us
I was dissapointed when I called a taxidermist and he pulled up in a regular car.