[interrogation]
“Where were u on the night of the 3rd?”
Stabbing a homeless man.
“Louder for the tape?”
Wrapping a boneless ham. As a gift.
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The 3yo insisted on helping me put all the laundry away. It’s only taken us 6 hours & 10 minutes & apparently pants go in the fridge now.
Heard someone explaining how to close a bag of chips and now all I can think about is who doesn’t finish an entire bag of chips after opening it?
That awkward moment when your date says she has a hair piece but later you find out she was saying herpes.
A period can completely change the meaning of a sentence. For example:
She has her umbrella.
She has her period.
I wish there was something called the pizza/enchilada/beer diet where you lost weight. Cause I’m on it and that’s not what’s happening.
the three branches of government
I’ve said it before. If Clifford was a Big Red Cat, everyone would be dead.
*knuckle tats*
( S | H | H | H) ( H | H | H | H )
(I’m a librarian)
robber: give me all the cheddar or i’ll shoot
me: here take my wallet i don’t want trouble
robber: no i just need cheese for my ham sandwich
me: what do you think is in my wallet
When my girlfriend is upset, I let her colour in my black and white tattoos,
because sometimes she just needs a shoulder to crayon.#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
If George W. Bush was the president of France today, he would declare war on Finland.
[creating humans]
God: They will have a powerful immune system
Assistant: Boring
God: ok some will die from eating a peanut
A: Nice, nice
Wife: I swear, it’s like you never even listen to me!!!
Me: Sounds great, Dear.
gonna start calling my years long dry spell ‘sexual discipline’ so I don’t sound so pathetic
if any of u nasty little cretins were even the least bit curious where i’m at right now i just tried to wipe a couple raindrops off my phone so they wouldn’t show up in a screenshot i was taking
Me at home: Why isn’t there more kindness in the world?
Me while driving: I hate every single person on this planet.
I wasn’t planning on moving, but I was just invited to the neighborhood fall potluck, so I guess now I have no choice.
Netflix: (every 45 seconds) aRe YoU StiLL wAtcHiNg ???
Netflix when you fall asleep on the couch: *somehow plays 18 episodes in a row*
[watching TV]
“Buy her the perfect diamond earrings for the holidays…”
Wife: Those are perf-
Me: *changes channel*
Don’t forget to celebrate Columbus Day by moving in to someone else’s house and telling everyone it’s yours, then closing the post office.
[1st ever peacock to open up his tail]
hey fellas, I dunno what it is, but
i. feel. fantastic.
Wife: I’m worried you love Harry Potter more than you love me.
Me: that’s riddikulus lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me: [pulls out Hermione Granger limited edition replica time-turner necklace] this better work.
My girlfriend asked if she killed someone would I help her dispose of the body and I said no and she said, “You wouldn’t lie to the cops to keep me out of prison??” And I had misunderstood the question because I’d be happy to lie to the cops I just didn’t want to carry stuff.
I always thought animal husbandry referred to the level of assertiveness I was expected to bring into the bedroom after I got married
Look, you can tell me what to do in an emergency and that’s fine, but I’m going to do what I do best, and that is panic.
Let’s play a game.
What item did my almost 3yo bring into our bed.
A: A teddy bear
B: A blanket
C: A @$!&*’n toilet brush
my 10 yr plan is to wait till I’m 9 yrs 11 mos in & then absolutely slay
Stop trying to eat garlic bread with your elbow!
…and other things I never said before having kids
everyone gangster til the tickle monster show up
People who say their migraine is going to be the death of them are totally right because I just killed a lady right after she said that.