Zygote that created me: I am creating the miracle of life. The human I become will achieve greatness!
Me: Hear me out….Cheeto Pop Tarts!
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“Damn you, Autocorrect!!!!” – Mark Zuckerberg, who had intended to announce that he was giving away 99% of his socks
Me: Heeeeyyyyyy Judy, good morning!
*scratches Judy’s back, wiping off my Cheeto fingers*
Judy: Hi!!! How are y…..
Me: *walks away*
[before horsepower was invented]
car salesman: this baby has the strength of 7000 raccoons
You can tell a lot about my BF by the way he’s giving me the silent treatment. He’s doing it wrong. I’m doing it right but can’t tell him.
Right before I left the house my wife asked me if I filled out my organ donor information and now I’m hesitant to start the car.
2016: Everyone you love in entertainment will die!
2017: Everyone you love in entertainment is a sexual degenerate.
2018: The dog from Air Bud is the Zodiac Killer.
My wife is out of town for a few days, and you know what that means!!! (Constant fear of locking myself out of the apartment!!!)
(during sex)
Her: Make me scream
Me: *let’s loose tarantula on her chest*
My 7yo son has learnt how important it is to spell properly after I took him to a sweatshop for his birthday, as requested.
My girlfriend will only have sex with me if i imitate her favourite electrical appliance. Tbh i’m not a fan
I’m sorry if I always sound angry when I speak, but I’m a parent and I suffer from a condition called Resting Batman Voice.
Indiana Jones: why does it have to be snakes
Ron Weasley: why does it have to be spiders
me: why does it have to be family get-togethers
The Count of Monte Cristo remains popular because it speaks to that universal human desire to flex on everyone you went to school with
doctor: how are u
me: good
doctor: my wife left thanks for asking
Sorry can’t. Calling NASA and making alien noises
5-year-old: Do you know what I learned at school?
Me: What?
5: I was asking you. I don’t remember.
The government always waits until the last minute to prevent a shutdown, much like my approach to paying taxes.
Obstetrician who has taken up magic as a hobby: and what have we here? *pulls out baby after baby after baby after baby after baby…
“Hello, cops? A man in an apron attacked my hair with scissors!”
“LOL sir, that was a barber.”
“He was black.”
“We’re sending a battleship.”
“I liked small butts. I was lying.” – Sir Mix-A-Lot’s teary deathbed confession
God, designing a toddler: ya know what would be hilarious would be if it has no ability to reason but talks nonstop. Also make it trip a lot
Renovated the kids bathroom and installed a bathroom ventilation fan with a Bluetooth speaker. Now I just need to find the perfect creepy audio of a ghost screeching “Get Out!” for when they take too long in the shower.
Weirdly Wednesday.
New parent: My child is having a hard time with teething. Any advice?
Veteran parent: Take some whiskey, drink a bunch of it.
Tired of being single? Just lower your standards a bit. My new girlfriend is a coconut taped to a mop.
I googled “where do ninjas live?” no results were found.
Well played ninjas. Well played.
Me: Another one, barkeep! I’m not driving!
Bartender: *warily makes me a third ice cream sundae*
I’m sorry that your Facebook personality quiz matched you up with a rice cake.
Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.
I farted in the Apple Store on Black Friday and everyone got angry at me…
It’s not my fault they don’t have Windows.*I’ll show myself out*