Boss: Don’t beat a dead horse
Me: Wait, are you OK with beating a live horse?
B: Please shut up
M: I don’t take orders from horse-beaters
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Did I do this right
Hate it when I bring someone back to my place for the first time and all they want to talk about are the corpses.
Void?
Y E S F R I E N D
Can you answer a question?
Y E S
What’s the meaning of life?
L O O K B E H I N D Y O U
There’s nothing there.Oh.
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul to keep
And if I die before I wake
Good
Amazon notifies me that my package arrived like it wasn’t unboxed 5 minutes ago.
What sort of tape measure does the guy from The Guinness Book of Records use to measure the worlds longest tape measure?
I booked a suite at a 5 star hotel and when my girlfriend arrived,on the bed spelled out in rose petals was “be right out,I’m taking a shit”
Me *on the phone*: Yeah it’s just an annual check up.
My 8 year old bursting into the room: OMG I DON’T WANT TO GO TO THE DOCTOR AND GET A SHOT!!
*hyperventilates*
*vomits*
Me: It’s for the dog.
8: Oh. Can I have a snack?
There is no greater lie than “if you tell the truth, I won’t get mad.”
ME: …but it’s dairy-free
WIFE: I don’t care, I’m not calling it “peanut margarine”
Why — WHY — in the year 2021 is there not a button on every TV that pings the remote and makes it play a sound so you can find it??
One of my wishes in life is to run across the Pacific Ocean in an air tight giant hamster ball.
alcoholic: you drive me to drink
designated driver: ok
[ Blind date ]
Me: I guess you could say gynecology is more of a hobby of mine than anything.
Her: ummmm
Me: whatcha thinking?
Her: of the ways I’m going to murder my former friend for setting us up on this date.
Trainer: Are you wearing lipstick? Me: OMG no, that’s just wine.
Jesus take the wheel. No that’s a book. A penny. A rock. DAMMIT JESUS DIDN’T YOU TAKE THAT ENGLISH AS A SECOND LANGUAGE CLASS I RECOMMENDED
My kid made up a song that goes “I love you and would do anything for you except clean” like some kind of 7yo Meat Loaf
Just saw a homeless man smoking a cigarette & it made me really sad… I wish I could afford cigarettes.
I didn’t even know there was a most alcohol consumed award on a cruise ship.
*sees a hot christian girl*
Me: I am christian now,where do i get one of those plus signs?
Friend: That’s a cross.
Me: across from where?
Me, running into a mom friend at Trader Joe’s: oh your hair looks fabulous! Have you done anything different?
Her: Oh thanks! That’s the lice treatment
I’d pay good monkey to see that!
You mean, good money?
*squints*
You hard of hearing or something?
“Man, people have a lot of free time on their hands,” says my husband, standing idly by our window for several minutes staring at everyone attending our neighbor’s garage sale.
I saw a woman claiming she’s pre-divorced on a dating app and when I showed my wife she said now I am too.
Replying to peoples selfies with the phone number to a dermatologist is not OK.
I’ll stop now.
Every time I buy a fun new mug my mother yells “We have too many mugs!” & I yell “You suck the joy out of everything!” & she yells “Don’t say ‘suck’!” & I yell “I’m a grown woman!” & she yells “Then are you finally moving out of my house”
Boss: *swivelling in his chair to greet me as I enter his office* I have a job for you
Me: *sighing* again?
Boss: again
Me: *spins his chair*
Boss: weeeeeeeeeeeeeee
I moved to this city ten years ago with nothing more than the money in my pocket and a debit card that gave me access to the rest of my money which was in a bank.
Any zoo can be a petting zoo if you’re really good at climbing fences.
“What if Waldo finds me first?” I ask naively. Grandma closes the book; the blood drains from her face. “Don’t let that happen,” she warns.