If she pulls back her hair in a ponytail without breaking eye contact you’re about to either have a good time or be murdered. Embrace the mystery, champ
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*bakes 12 cookies*
*waits for family to come home*
*eats 12*
*family arrives*
5 year old: “I SMELL COOKIES!”
“Weird! Here’s a salad.”
what’s your pitch?
“so this guy steals from the rich…”
ok
“and gives to the poor”
nice. what’s his name?
“Robin…”
haha I love it
“Hood”
wait
Tried to back up today in a car without a rear facing camera. I killed seven pedestrians and three dogs.
I Know What You Did Last Summer Because You’re Still Posting Pics, Enough Already, Fiji Was Amazing, I Get It
People who say “teamwork makes the dream work” are the reason that some people want to punch other people in the face.
Do not ask for who the bell tolls because it’s whom you monster
to the people who follow me but don’t like anything I post. I see you, I hear you, I am you 🫶
Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome
My family seemed kinda happy that the rice I made yesterday fell on the floor before I could serve it tonight.
me: i hate walking into a room and forgetting why i’m here.. lmao
executioner: just sit in the chair
Me: ok what did you do
Cat: U THINK CAT AM ONLY BEING NICE 2 COVER UP CRIME??
Me: well there’s precedent
Cat: AM INSULTED
Cat: AM DISGUSTED
Cat: AM MOST AND GOOD INNOCENT CAT
Me:
Cat:
Me:
Cat:
Me:
Cat: FINE CAT AM PEE IN LAUNDRY BASKET
Murderer: *murdering me*
Me: (unconvincingly) Oh… oh no… stop… I don’t… want to be late for work
“Boo!” — cow with a cold
I’m not like other girls. I am Mothman.
My wife wanted me to take her to one of those restaurants where they prepare the food in front of you.
So, I took her to Subways.
my favorite hobby is reading a book by a fireplace in a cabin in the woods. in other words, my favorite hobby is being threatening to trees
I’ve been teaching my daughter to sneak candy into the theater, like any good parent would, but when she pulled a pack of deli ham out of her bag I realized I’ve created a monster
*Husband forgets to close screen on door*
*4 hrs later*
Me: *feels furriness on my leg in bed*
*rolls over*
Squirrel: *stares*
Recent studies link bacon to cancer.
“Ya, don’t eat bacon, you’ll get so much cancer”, said one pink scientist.
Imagine being a ghost in a school and you think no one notices you, but then one day you hear everyone talking about ‘school spirit’ and you get super pumped and think ‘man, maybe they DO know im here’ and then you find out that school spirit is a pizza lunch and jeans day
People often say to me ‘Please stop making up stories in an effort to become popular’ and to them I say ‘I can’t help it. My mother was Jessica Fletcher’.
Thanksgiving fact: Giblets are just Grandma speak for the gross stuff.
*during an argument
**command Z, command Z
Well damn, that didn’t work
Rap: MONEY GUNS & SEX
Rock: DRUGS & SEX
Country: BEER GOD & SEX
Pop: PARTIES GIRLS & ALCOHOL
Dubstep: BWA BWA BABWAA
Sean Paul: SEAN PAUL!
I’m having one of those days where nothing seems to be going write.
Men love me.
Germs fear me.Or vice versa, whatever
Remember, your neighbours aren’t going to be attacked by killer bees on their own. You have to want it. You need to make it happen.
Do you think Ariel ate the scallops whose shells she wears as a bra or that she just found them?
Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.
[slight drizzle outside]
Other motorists: oh no ah what is this wetness I forget how to drive