Does it make you an acrobat if you get suspended from the chandelier by your drawers after falling over the 2nd floor railing?
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Wife: I hate that thing
Me: My glass? It’s a souvenir from abroad!
Wife: It’s a mug from Mexico
Me: It’s a collector’s item!
Wife: It says “Jalapeno Poopers”
Me:
Wife:
Me: You want me to toss it?
Wife: I want you to stop using it to serve scotch at dinner parties
Any time a child tries to guess my age.
Birthdays were invented by big wax corporations to sell more candles with numbers on them.
People: we are overfishing the sea
McDonalds: we’ll make the Filet o Fish smaller
People: nonononono
I don’t eat fast food anymore, but I’ve learned that if you pull in the drive-thru and tell them they forgot to give you napkins, they’ll hook you up, no questions asked.
Raccoons wearing tiny little glasses, digging through trash and carefully reading nutritional information of any food items they find.
I dreamt there was a program called “tigers in tiaras” and you know what?
I’d watch that
Yesterday, I met a girl who runs a battery kiosk at our local park.
Yes that’s right
She sells c cells down by the seesaw!
My 5yo didn’t wanna get in the bath last night so I told her it was filled with birthday water and this was her only chance to experience it until her next bday and I’ve never seen her get in the bath faster. Now if you don’t mind, I’m gonna ride this parenting high for a bit.
The legends speak of a third Duran…
The clinic won’t give me any more emotional support spiders since I already swallowed 8 of them this year.
Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.
My brother in law is devastated that he didn’t get into the next London marathon.
I’ve never related to anyone less.
Add a touch of magic to your allergies by filling your mouth with glitter before you sneeze.
[1st date]
ME: We should totally go Dutch.
HIM: I wasn’t raised that way.
ME: *sadly looking at my wooden shoes* Okay.
Recipes that call for cheese are always 2 cups short.
So apparently a neighborhood watch is not watching bad stuff happen to your neighbor’s home & then taking a nap
[Breakup]
Her: We’re just different
Him: How?
Her: Well, you want to hike & camp
Him: And?
Her: And I want to be a cartoon on the internet
If I see someone has deliberately parked their big expensive car so that no one can use the space next to them I will do everything I can to try and squeeze in to the spot. My record is 6 minutes of careful manoeuvring and having to exit through the boot.
ME: I’m gonna punch my boss right on the nose
PRIEST: you can’t tell me about sins in advance
Wow. Just found out that in England they’re called “Alvin and the Crispmunks”.
Angel: Welcome to Heaven
Me: But… this is a Costco…
A: Yes. And here is a map with the exact locations listed for every item you need
M: *falls to my knees, sobbing with emotion and gratitude*
Customer: Excuse me, are you the manager? Those Xmas Hams are expired
Manager: Um…
[changes sign to “Vintage Hams”]Hipster: I’ll take 4
If you’re bringing a kid to my house, it better be a baby goat.
No trip to Home Depot is complete without at least two more trips to Home Depot for what you didn’t know you needed to buy the first time.
Me: I can never tell what girls want
Her: Flirt with me. Whisper sexy things in my ear.
Me: Like…in a friend kinda way?
As Ross and Rachel loaded their rifles, Joey prepped the van, and Phoebe hacked the camera feed, the embassy doors EXPLODED inward.
“When I hired you, I expected subtlety!” screamed Monica.
“Hey,” Chandler shrugged, tossing his cigarette. “Bought a Bing, bought a boom.”
My memory is horrible but I remember every person I loaned a book to that didn’t return it.
Our family rule is that if the kid’s costume costs more than $50, they have to wear it to school at least four times after Halloween.
ME: [sitting on iphone] europe. europe. EUROPE. europe
[5 hrs later]
ME: ok fine maybe ur right
WIFE: what did you think airplane mode meant