I just ate a kid’s meal at McDonald’s. His mom tried to stop me but I’m too fast
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*blows bubbles in your face to distract you as I take all of your tater tots*
Ever notice most Ford names are more fun to say when you put “anal” in front of them?
Probe, Explorer, Excersion, Ranger…
Sorry, I didn’t mean to lol your poetry
For those who are Struggling with English:
Don’t = Do not
Won’t = Wo notFollow me for more advice…
i have a playlist titled russian roulette which is composed of under pressure by queen like 10 times and ice ice baby by vanilla ice once
“sticks and stones may break my bones”
“got it, thank you!”
“wait there’s more”
“but you already foolishly revealed your weakness to me”
My mom said you have to love me and ask me out for Valentine’s Day
Me: I’m going to have a shower
3: I’ll give you two minutes
The winners of the javelin at the Olympics shouldn’t get a medal. They should get a throwphy.
And send
People moaning about the weather at least it’s not snowing. Imagine shovelling snow in this heat.
My fly was down the entire day & I didn’t notice. So I’m taking him out for drinks after work. Hopefully that’ll help cheer him up a bit.
the “i feel like things can’t get any worse” to “oh i see” pipeline
People like Bubba Gump Shrimp Co. How about more movie character restaurants? I have some suggestions:
Samwise’s Lord of the Wings
Tyler Durden’s Chowder House
Goose’s Gastropub (tagline: We feel the need… the need to feed!)
Short Round’s Tempura of Doom
Hannibal’s
My kids super power is knowing he won’t like a food before he even tries it
Apparently this was on a digital highway sign in Tennessee yesterday 😎
Dating profile at 26: I’m cute and interesting and funny and I will find everything you say super interesting. Let’s get married.
46:
I like what I like. I’m not growing my hair long just so you can pet it. I have one cankle, and I bloat after eating. Hit me up.
flash mobs for serving divorce papers
one more hotdog left who wants it [jesus speed walks across jeff’s pool]
“911, what is your emergency?”
I got stuck in a beaded curtain
“Again?”
SEND HELP
God: you’re a seabird.
Puffin: can I fly?
God: oh course you can fly you’re a bird aren’t you?
Puffin: oh good.
God: omg can you even imagine being a bird that can’t fly?
Puffin: I know right? lol.
Penguin: [under breath] don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry.
It went from “Oh, you guys really want to get to know your mom” to “Why are you asking me all these questions?” to “Which of my accounts are you trying to get into?”
I’m just a girl…standing in front of a boy…asking him to love her.
Haha, just kidding. I’m just a girl…sitting in my car…talking to a boy through a speaker…trying to order a Shamrock Shake.
But a little drama never hurts.
I brought a glue gun to a knife fight. Those knives aren’t going anywhere.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You love me?
Cop:
Me:
Cop:
Me: Is it because I’m driving a lawnmower?
Cop: Yes.
Me: *floors it*
My boyfriend is not like other guys. He wants to date me
Alex Jones said that lesbians are torturing women and eating their brains.
Ummmmm…Alex? That’s not
What
We
Eat.
Overheard: “My dad froze my account and I only had $4 in my pocket last night so I went to the Sunoco and bought 3 scratch offs and won $15 so guess who’s going out tonight”
20s: I want to see the world!
40s: If I do all of my food shopping on Sunday I won’t have to go outside for a week.
My mother-in-law came over and made me dinner, and now I’m wondering if I should have married her instead.
i be like “why does god give me his hardest battles” and the battle is cooking instead of ordering delivery