I don’t really argue with people. They just all end up washing ashore miles away under mysterious circumstances.
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[medusa’s husband sighing and pulling a wad of snakes out of the shower drain]
Me: I’ve got the singing voice of an angle
Friend: Don’t you mean angel?
M: Nope, people hear me sing and do a complete 180
My four year old has informed me that he doesn’t want us to get a lion. Not because they’re deadly predators, but because he’s allergic to cats and thinks a lion would make him sneeze too much. I’m just glad we discussed it before I went shopping.
BRAIN: it’s 4am u up?
ME: leave me alone
B: who was our grade 5 teacher?
M: stop
B: why’s our eye itchy?
M: I’m ignoring u
B: engage bladder
I bought a small box on amazon and unsurprisingly it came in a large box
I used to be a person who couldn’t easily fall asleep, then I got divorced and now I sleep like a baby. Probably unrelated.
How to play chess:
– Look like you’re thinking for a really long time.
– Move one piece.
– Realize it was a bad choice.
– Flip over the table.
It’s National Compliment Day.
So here goes.*clears throat
Some of you are not so bad.
I changed my name in my daughters phone to God…just texted her and said “I saw that” You should of seen her face. Priceless
Brain: “something is wrong”
Me: “what is it?”
Brain: “you gotta guess ”
Where’s my cell?
“Right there.”
That’s not my phone.
“Yes it is. I cleaned it!”
My cell’s white?
Brushed the fur off my couch and made another cat.
overrated: crying in the shower
underrated: using the shower rack for all the assorted condiments for your shower tacos
My wife set up a spycam and found out my sons “speech impediment” was from 5 years of me talking to him in Borat voice while she was at work
we’re insta mutuals now 😌😌😌
The best way to get the woman of your dreams is to comment “gorgeous” on a minimum of 52 of her selfies.
[a cat sitting in the sleigh impassively knocking presents out into the Pacific Ocean]
Rudolph: Santa Claws, NO
“Hold on lemme just hotbox these bugs so I can steal and eat their goo.” -beekeepers everywhere
Anytime someone throws a Great Gatsby themed party, I have to assume they never finished the book.
soup is a safe food to eat in the shower it’s already wet so there’s basically no risk
ME: *using a ouija board* Are there any spirits here?
OUIJA BOARD: No.
ME: I don’t believe you.
OUIJA BOARD: That seems like a you problem.
They say kids grow up fast but I just licked my thumb & wiped my son’s face so parents grow up fast too. I’ve already become my grandmother.
I asked 10 how school was. “We did first aid training and now I’m qualified to kill someone then bring them back to life”. If you need me I’ll be hiding from my 10yo
(during sex)
Me: Is that good?
Her: Real good, baby.
Her mom: Good af.
Me: How many more dates until your mom quits chaperoning us?
Her: I dunno. Mom?
Her mom: Honey, look at him, not me. You’re making this weird.
Please stop adding noises to your songs that sound like maybe something is wrong with my car.
I caught two kids smoking pot outside my office. Fifteen minutes later my boss caught me and two kids smoking pot outside my office.
Her: Where have you been?
Me: I went to see a shrink.
Her: Are you having emotional problems?
Me: No… I just want to be smaller.
There’s literally no way to know how many chameleons are in your house
Carl: So hot today.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: During WW II, Americans tried to train bats to drop bombs.
Me: Fair enough.
Calm down ‘Fitbit’ joggers. I can drink one 5-Hour Energy and reach my target heart rate without even getting off my couch