When you put :/ at the end of your text I know you had a terrible stroke and call 911.
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Him: *gets the handcuffs out*
Me: mmm, have I been naughty? *slow wink*
Cop: we’ll let the judge decide, eh?
My 8yo had his hair styled nicely this morning so I asked what he put in it to look so good……and he said it was oil from the pan I roasted broccoli in last night.
You really can’t make this stuff up.
Me: If you’re going to serve alcohol at a company party, then you shouldn’t act so surprised when someone speaks their mind.
HR: Get out
<–Goes to gym 3 times a week… Cannot separate two shopping carts stuck together at grocery store.
One normal thing I like to do on my my lunch breaks is go on Zillow with my 20 million dollar budget and my f***ing delusions
I’ve seen The Blair Witch Project and that’s all I need to know about camping.
My family’s dull. All through his teens my brother had his head buried in a book before dad exhumed it & reattached to the rest of his body.
Have you ever had a conversation with someone and realize half way through that you’re going to need crayons to explain it to them?
Wife (in deep thought): *clicking pen over and over again*
Me: Can you please stop doing that while we’re having sex?
“‘ey kid READ THE SIGN!”
Why is it always cooking on Saturday Kitchen? Why don’t they mop the floor or stick a wash on, or something?
Me: Got any 7s?
Wife: Go fish
Me: *returns from Bering Strait a changed man* I watched the sea take my best friend to his grave. Got any 3s?
[takes a massive shit on a bird in the park]
See? Not nice, is it?
My friend was complaining that when her husband gets dressed, he does sock, shoe, sock, shoe. What a weirdo! Everyone knows it’s sock, sock, shoe, shoe, pants.
The woman at the table next to me has been whining and complaining about her boyfriend for the last 20 minutes.
I’m not even in the relationship and I’ve broken up with her 4 times in my mind.
My son started school today. I’m excited to meet all the new illnesses he’ll be bringing home this fall.
High school never prepared me for how many times I would have to fix a toilet when I grew up.
[yelling over the music to club DJ]
ME: YOU DONT HAVE TO HOLD THOSE HEADPHONES UP TO ONE EAR THEY GO ON YOUR HEAD THEY’RE CALLED HEADPHONES
Which is faster, hot or cold?
Hot, because you can catch a cold.
This South Beach diet is BRUTAL. I can only eat a sensible face for breakfast, a sensible face for lunch, then just CELERY for dinner.
Stock market update:
Last month 401 k
This month 401 not ok
Sexiest Man Alive implies there’s a Sexiest Man Dead
‘We both know you need to pee:’
~the monster under my bed
Just because I’m smiling doesn’t necessarily mean that I like you. I might be picturing you on fire.
I’m two weeks older than my boyfriend so my favorite thing to do is say “when I was your age…” and then just describe whatever I was doing two weeks ago
I don’t know if you really meant to Like Ebola on Facebook, 8,000 people
After 20 years of marriage, my wife still makes me smile. Usually at family gatherings where she threatens me if I don’t look happy.
No Karen; a stable relationship is not
when you move in with the horses.
You’d think with food shortages around the world someone would have come up with a way to grow pepperoni pizza trees or something.
In the bathroom:
Me: *Meticulously manscapes*
Plumber: “Please don’t do that while I am in here.”