“I…I don’t know, doc. I guess I’m just tired of being pushed around all the time.”
-Revolving Doors
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*I open the curtains with a smile, enjoying the gentle breeze on my naked body*
ME: Good morning, world!
CURTAIN STORE MANAGER: Call the police, Karen… He’s back.
Usain Bolt has the greatest Tinder profile picture of all time on his hands.
“Just be patient, Liam. The dude in the Tahoe is a heart attack waiting to happen.”
I have a lift function on my wheelchair so I can reach tall counters. The lift moves really slowly. One time, I got overcharged for something. I tried to storm out of the store, but my chair just slowly lowered to the ground as the cashier stared at me.
Don’t regret past mistakes. All of your decisions, good and bad, led you to where you are today.
Disregard this if you are in prison.
{at sports arena}
*kiss cam pans to me just as I take a huge bite of a hotdog
Me: *panics and seductively licks mustard off my lips.
Wife: your birthday is coming up so don’t buy yourself anything for the next month
Me: ok I won’t.
[mini-horse walks through the kitchen]
Wife:
Me: starting now.
I think that’s enough internet for one day…
god: you have outlived your purpose
dinosaurs: give us another chance
god: fine
dinosaur chicken nuggets: not like this
If my 5yos are holding something when I buckle them into their car seats, there’s a 150% chance they’ll hit me in the face with it.
*Seductively stripping out of clothes.
Gynecologist: Please stop that.
The true crime urge to leave clear fingerprints everywhere you go, just in case
How to start a diet:
1. Do it tomorrow
2. Wake up and repeat step 1
I slip the nun 30 bucks and real quiet-like ask to see the “strong orphans.”
Today was amazing. I actually had meaningful conversations with my teenagers. We discussed world events, we made eye contact, we truly communicated. I felt so blessed. Like a really good parent.
Then I heard one of them ask, “Is Instagram back up yet?”
Louis C.K. perfectly sums up Boston accents in his new special ‘Live At The Comedy Store’
My latest business venture is not-for-profit, apparently.
When I eat rotisserie chicken, I like to pretend that I’m performing an autopsy.
*slurps from a spoon*
Yep this hot tub is ready.
Have you tried growling until they back away slowly?
[zombie movie set]
Director into megaphone: “We’re about to start rolling. Look alive people!”
*actors look around confused as heck*
My mom gave the kids a 1,000 piece puzzle, so tonight, as a family, we will be putting together a list of nursing homes.
Kinda pissed that I have to take my dog to the vet and not the dogtor.
my moms yelling at me bc idk her email password
“amateurs”
~ Mick Jagger browsing duck lip selfies
My daughter just told me I’m giving her gray hairs and ran for her stress ball so I think I’m finally nailing this whole parenting thing.
I didn’t have time to have my coffee before drop off this morning. Anyway. Hopefully I brought them to the right school.
My dream job is getting paid to dream
Literally any podcast host asking their guest a question
me: what are you doing
lawyer: [opening briefcase full of ham sandwiches] judges are more sympathetic to your situation after they eat
prosecutor: [opens briefcase full of meatball subs]
lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail