Me: Cute baby, when was she born?
New mother: Yesterday.
Me: *opens coat filled with knock-off watches* Hey kid, I got Rolexes, 50 bucks.
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Look Mr. Wendy’s, I ordered a chicken club and you gave me a stupid sandwich. I have a car full of chickens on ecstasy here. Help me out.
me after creating anything: i want the whole world to see this
brain: even people who know you?
me: oh god no
[first day as a barista]
ME: large coffee ready for a *squints to read* nice hole
NICHOLE: oh come on
#gardening
me: how bout a show like greys anatomy but at an animal hospital
producer: they’re all vets?
me shaking head no: they’re all animals
I never understood movie scenes where they have to train assassins. just drop me in some hot climate, don’t feed me and I’ll kill everyone.
I cannot walk on water, But I can wobble on whisky.
We’ve run out of coffee so my girlfriend pressured me into knocking next door. So I knocked and awkwardly asked them to go to the shops.
That awkward moment when you walk in on your sons having a yo momma insult contest.
My walk of shame is to the laundry room to rerun the same load of clothes I keep forgetting to dry for the third time.
Sees friend from highschool. Gives friend a big hug. Refuses to let go of friend. Becomes siamese friends.
Lois Lane unexpectedly comes to visit Clark Kent but he can’t find his glasses so he has to stick his face in a pie like Mrs. Doubtfire.
Today I learned that while playing vintage Mario Bros, screaming “GO DOWN” when you can’t get Mario to go in the pipe leads to some awkward questions when your parents overhear you.
I love drinking games…. except the one where you have to try to walk a straight line while saying the ABCs backwards
A Quiet Place but it’s just me trying to open a piece of cheese without my dog hearing
MEN:
Developed Theory of Relatively.
Walked on the Moon.
Painted the Mona Lisa.Baffled by bra hooks.
Choose your own adventure:
S O F A T H E R E Y E S P O P
Dad sees a soda?
Moving a couch for dad?
Obese girl with a vision problem?
“I’m not letting you outside again,” I say to my dog right before I let her outside again.
Life starts with everyone cheering when you poop and goes drastically down hill from there.
PRIEST: What is your view on celibacy?
ME: I thought her vocal performance on Goldfinger was outstanding.
Happy Thanksgiving
My husband gets me to scream his name by doing his signature move of not leaving any toilet paper in the bathroom.
Life is good! Just waiting for my ship to come in!
*Gets on Twitter*
*Looks up as ship is sailing off*
yeah i’m a bit of a rebel
I bet squirrels walk at a leisurely pace when no one is looking.
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: 😮 hampire
Most couples have at least one odd bit of cutlery in their cutlery drawer that they presume belongs to their partner, which is why it’s fun to sneak odd bits of cutlery into your friends’ cutlery drawer when you visit.
See if your child has learnt any swear words yet, by turning the wifi off while they’re playing minecraft.
*Frantically checks the time*
OMG I THINK I’M LATE oh wait that was yesterday