As a child I had the impression that I would be offered free drugs by strangers much more frequently than the 0 times it’s happened.
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[Job interview]
“How would you describe yourself?”
“I’d use the appropriate adjectives.”
“Anything else?”
“Over-literal sometimes.”
A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.
It breaks my heart to know that I live in a country where some of its citizens actually can’t believe that isn’t butter.
Sneak into the employee bathroom at Target and make some violent alien noises, maybe leave a jellyfish in the toilet
I’ll be in the yard for a bit. If anyone asks, I’m outstanding.
Studies show that if you begin a sentence with “studies show,” the internet will believe you.
I get it, artificial Christmas tree. I also can’t fit in my pre-Christmas box.
My wife is always like, “You answer the door, I don’t even have my bra on!” and for that reason, I have stopped wearing a bra.
Much like a fairy tale princess I will sit here and wither away until some man somewhere is brave enough to bring me soup.
They’re doing a meeting activity called Escape Room and that pretty much sums up what I’m trying to do.
Creamy peanut butter is the best because it’s the only thing holding this car together.
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
Sorry I ate your baby but you shouldn’t have wrapped it like a burrito.
Whenever I shut down my computer, it asks, “Are you sure you want to shut down your computer?” Then I wonder if it knows something I don’t.
When having guests over for lunch, once I’ve prepared the meal is it rude of me to leave?
I didn’t really mind the voices in my head until one of them started their own podcast
cop: do you know how fast you were going?
me: kinda feel like that’s your job buddy
You look busy, I’m just gonna interrupt you anyways
– People who apparently want to go missing
[Martian welcoming party]
We’re so excited to welcome our friends from Ear—ok it’s another robot car everybody. Why do they keep doing this
my grandma has declared she is “93 and over it” and no one has the heart to tell her she is actually 102
“What’d you do this weekend?”
I was shooting craps.
“Oh you went to a casino?”
*flashback to blasting dog turds with shotgun* Um, yeah.
I hated Sex Ed at school. Or ‘Sexy Edward’, to give him his full name.
A “hootenanny” is someone who babysits your owls.
I go through the 7 stages of grief just to get to work everyday.
Judge: Would the jury now read its verdict.
Head Juror: We, the jury, find George Michael’s feet guilty on all counts of Lacking Rhythm.
George Michael’s feet: *uncontrollable sobbing followed by fainting*
George Michael: What the hell is even happening? I’m free to go, right?
May your day taste like creamy soup.
*skinny dips into black hole
Me: What would it take for you to get into the same water tank with a giant phantom jellyfish?
Her: A lot. I’m pretty spineless when it comes to such things.
I don’t care if it’s a Hell Hound or not, I’m still going to pet it.
The shortest distance between two points is over a cyclist.
~Australian drivers, apparently.