Is my kitchen floor clean enough to eat off? No. Does that prevent me from eating off it? Also no.
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Under ‘medical history’, we were hoping for something more specific to you personally. You wrote “Fleming discovered penicillin in 1928”.
Gunna get my 600 tweets in early, so I have the rest of the day free to argue with people in person.
I am laughing way too hard at this.
It rubs the lotion on its skin and struggles with the doorknobs again.
olive garden manager: why are you quitting
waiter: i signed up to guard olives
I was thinking about homeschooling my son next year but he just went into great detail about how mosquitoes use our blood to make honey so I should probably let someone else help out
Not to brag but my wife just mentioned fireworks in the bedroom to me. She wants me to keep them somewhere else until the 4th but still…
Why does the crematorium sound so delicious?
3 just told me he wants all the things pirates have for Christmas, including a real sword and a pirate ship.
Anyone have a good pirate ship guy?
what it’s like dating me:
I heard many of these stories growing up…. 😂😂😂
Now whenever a kid draws a Rectangle they have to pay Apple a dollar.
Drunk yoga, but it’s me trying to get the last drop out of my boxed wine.
[Security breach at Wayne manor]
BRUCE: *brooding darkly*
ALFRED: The back door is literally just a waterfall
I have milk and eggs for breakfast, I just have them in the form of a cookie
Vandalism should be allowed on any vehicle who’s alarm has been going off for more than 5 minutes.
We have a cricket in our garage and every once a while, to keep him entertained, I go out and tell him corny dad jokes.
Then I wait.
“Well, you only live once.”
– Guy, convincing himself to skydive“Well, you only live once.”
– Me, convincing myself not to skydive
*Gets left on read for hours*
Me: “I’m never talking to them again”
Them: *Finally replies*
Me:
“I’d like to purchase some deodorant please.”
“The ball kind?”
“No, for under my arms.”
Previously On Persistence 😎
My doctor is always whispering to me something about not sticking Q tips in my ears. I need a louder doctor
“He’s probably more afraid of you than you are of him,” I say, as a kodiak bear mauls my friend Jeff.
WHAT DO WE WANT?
License and registration, please.
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
Sir, please stop shouting and step out of the vehicle.
5: Wait, chicken we eat is from DEAD CHICKENS?
Me: Well, yes.
5: So Chicken McNuggets used to be part of REAL CHICKENS?
Me: Well, no.
[Googling]
How many calories in a glass of white wine?
*45 minutes later*
[Googling]
How many calories in a bottle of white wine?
Party guest: Where should I put these kale chips and cauliflower?
Me: There’s a bag for garbage under the sink.
Until the day I die I will think of the 90s as 10 years ago
You shouldn’t judge people. What if that bloke outside your window with a clown mask and knife is just a chef that lost his way.
Police officer: You get to make one phone call.
Me: Do I have to?