Unfortunately for Jane and Skipper, the hypnotist forgot to bring them out of the trance.
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It hurts when someone you love says mean things like, ‘Mom, wake up’ and ‘Mom, you need to get out of bed and make breakfast’
I don’t trust any company that has a commercial with happy employees in it.
We need a kids TV show about a kid who can sit quietly in a shopping cart for 25 minutes.
anything is an appetizer if you eat more food after
Whatever you do, always give 100%. Unless you’re donating blood
The fact that my balcony isn’t facing the street makes it nice and quiet but also makes my speeches to the people rather ineffective
Person: Hi, my name is *my brain plays 3 seconds of air horn*
Me: I’m sorry, what was that?
Person: I’m *air horn*
Me: Again?
Person:
Me: Is it just me…
Everyone: Yes. GOD, YES!
Me: I hadn’t actually finished my question 🙁
89% of my class in high school thought I was good in math because I’m Asian. Luckily the other 27% were smarter than that.
*on death bed*
priest: any regrets my child?
*montage of every time i saw a large dog and didn’t try to ride it*
me: uhhhhh
*puts dreamcatcher above bed*
“Sure hope this works”
*wakes up in the middle of the night*
*Ryan Gosling is stuck in dreamcatcher*
“YES”
Me – I can’t find the sea salt.
Wife – It’s next to the paprika.
Me – No it isn’t.
(she comes in to look, a bottle of sea salt magically appears right next to the paprika)
I’m teaching my students proper grammar by having them edit poorly written Yelp reviews. You’re welcome.
I didn’t know about mascara, I thought girls just cried ink like squids.
I thought that my dog waking me up to poop in the middle of the night was exhausting until she started pooping to wake me up, which is WAY worse.
If I ever go to prison I will immediately go up to the biggest person and tickle them.
“I got this”
-hypochondriac reading Web MD
The coolest thing ever would be someone writing a song about you. Unless in the song they called you a “roly-poly little bat-faced girl.”
I’m beginning to think that some of you aren’t really pretending to be crazy.
Last week I had a dream and the only thing I remembered about the dream was a poster on a wall so I made the poster and put it on a wall and it was the fastest I have ever made a dream come true and it felt exhilarating like I had solved a mystery.
You can create your own organic, totally biodegradable mask by walking face-first through a series of spider webs every morning.
Honestly, my biggest fear about becoming a zombie is all the socializing.
Her: What did you get for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Drunk!
ME *traps wasp under a cup*
MAGICIAN GHOST WHO HAUNTS ME: *appears & sets down 2 more cups*
ME: no
MAGICIAN GHOST: *starts to shuffle them*
WIFE: Can you send these party invites out?
ME: Sure *throws them out window*
WIFE: Did you-
ME: If they’re meant to come, they’ll come.
[dog people] here’s my angel Rex! he knows 19 tricks & brings me my slippers every morning!
[cat people] this is Princess Murder who lets me live with her.she pees on everything i love. her interests include screaming & eating bugs. when she asks me to kill for her i will say yes
Some people are glistening beacons of nope.
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
[fire raging in my bedroom]
smoke alarm:
[i cook a piece of toast for 17 seconds]
smoke alarm: OMFG WE R ALL GONNA DIE
My eyebrows are looking ferocious. They’re about to hop off my face & maul someone.