My son asked me where poo came from. I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest answer. He looked perplexed and stared at me for a minute then asked….and tigger???
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I asked my 5yo if he wanted leftover chicken for dinner, he said ‘ew, that’s a whole day old’ and I didn’t know I gave birth to a mini Gordon Ramsey.
Dad, did you let the parrot name me?
– Haha, no that’s ridiculous, Brock.
*Bites werewolf*
Me: At every sunrise you will transform into middle management.
Werewolf: No!
Me: And you will go to bed at a reasonable time…EVERY NIGHT.
Beanbag chairs are fun and comfortable but you should never buy one because one day you’ll get some really bad news and you’ll have to roll off the side and onto the floor before standing up to comfort your partner.
I was pretty frustrated when my 5yo kept calling me an “old man” until he clarified that being old meant that I was 20
I would like to publicly state my support for Some Sex Marriage.
Reverse psychology – only it’s me swapping chairs when my therapist went to the bathroom.
I think it’s cool that when you’re pregnant you not only make a baby but you also make a little table where you can put your cereal bowl.
I am having fish and chips for lunch.
*pours Pringles and Goldfish Crackers into the same bowl*
I get real disrespectful with serving sizes. A bag is not gonna tell me what to do.
Worm: These early birds are decimating our population.
Other worm: I’ve developed some tech that’ll impede their early rising abilities.
Worm: What is it?
Other worm: I call it “a YouTube rabbit hole”
Helpful phrases:
“We’ll get there when we get there”
“We’ll know when we know”
“Well, it is what it is”
“It’s neither here nor there”
“First thing’s first”
“I wouldn’t worry if I were you”
“I don’t mind either way”
“It’ll be in the last place you look”
me: do you sell ducks?
him: yes, but they’re going quick
me: ok i’ll take one*later*
duck: quick!
me: i see
Me: I had a meeting with your teachers. They had a lot of good things to say about you, including that you’re super, super smart.
6-year-old: Wait, wait, go back. How many supers?
Fun prank: Super glue a baby to the floor and see how many people try to pick it up as they walk by
I tried to be domestic & cook. Microwave is on fire. A waffle maker, 3 pans, a toaster & my neighbors cat in the trash. Making soup is HARD!
Everyday is talk like a pirate day if you’re committed and annoying enough
Me: Can I interest you in a nightcap?
Her: *blushing* sure
Me: What’s your hat size?
Men fantasize about me, women want to be me and children obey me!
[wakes up on bathroom rug]
Everyone: We’re concerned about you.
Me: *snorting crushed up smarties off the back of a public toilet* why tho?
The neighbor heard me talking to myself so I had to pretend to be on the phone.. again
My grandpa purposefully takes his hearing aids out so he can’t hear my kids. I don’t blame him. I’m jealous of him.
When I die bury me with a whole mess of buffalo wings so future archaeologists will think I was some crazy human – chicken hybrid.
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP*looking for condom in my “Beat It” zipper jacket*
Scientists claim that the Big Bang was the loudest noise that has ever occured in history. They obviously haven’t met my kids.
Hotel clerk: You’re eligible for a room upgrade
Me: Sweet!
Clerk: Exactly
what does awkward people do, when they run out of bad jokes? get som new ones
me in high school: oh my god I missed two hairs on my legs, I am an abomination
me today: the bug spray has lemongrass and peppermint in it so it doubles as perfume
Yelling, “get off my lawn!” at the landscapers just to confuse them.