If my 5yo’s teacher can’t read the Thank You card he writes, that’s on her.
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Married conversation is like regular conversation except you’re both brushing your teeth.
People who say “in and of itself” are responsible for most of the trouble in the world.
Murderer: *murdering me*
Me: (unconvincingly) Oh… oh no… stop… I don’t… want to be late for work
[working late]
ME: I’m starting to fall asleep.
CO-WORKER: When that happens to me, I slap my cheek really hard. You should try it.
ME: *smacks him in the face* You’re right, I feel better.
If the One Ring had been a kitten then Sauron would have spent the whole book trying to find his kitten, sending whole armies out to look for it, while the fellowships heroic quest involved throwing a kitten in a volcano. Makes you think
Signs you’re a man:
*has a massive heart attack* It’s nothing, really. I’m fine.
*catches a cold* Gather ‘round children. My time is drawing nigh.
I pick up every feather that I see on the floor.
Interviewer: that’s a weird strength.
No thanks, $30 haunted house. I can watch the news and get scared any time for free.
Me: Why does my phone keep changing campus to Camus?
Phone: There is no higher purpose in life.
Me: You could at least stop misspelling words.
P: *long drag on cigarette* There is no meaning. Duck yoor speeling.
Me: Is that a beret?
P: Oui.
– much ado about nothing
– 2 much 2 nothing
– much ado 3: toyko drift
– much nothing
– much 5
– much ado 6
– nothing 7
The hardest part of painting a nude self-portrait is having yourself over for drinks and convincing yourself to take off your clothes.
First rule of camping: bring the kind of toilet paper that won’t attract animated bears.
[date]
HER: Do you want to have children?
ME: *leans in close* I thought you understood that I would be the child in this relationship.
Tuesday
teenager doing court order community service picking up trash in a ditch: *pokes my body with a stick*
me: *wakes up* oh hey jake is it Tuesday again already?
First day of our road trip going well. My husband made an itinerary showing the first scheduled stop at a Love’s gas station 275 miles away. What my husband forgot: I have physically birthed 4 children.
“Hold on lemme just hotbox these bugs so I can steal and eat their goo.” -beekeepers everywhere
This message stamped on the squeaker inside the stuffed animal my dog just destroyed
1 star recipe reviews are always like “I replaced the sugar with flax seed and butter with spinach and these pancakes came out dry and gross. Do not recommend”
I’ve seen The Blair Witch Project and that’s all I need to know about camping.
Superhero Origins
Spider-Man: bit by radioactive spider
Iron Man: bit by radioactive iron
Hawkeye: bit by radioactive hawk right in the eye
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, we’re still well below my average.
you see me struggling as i carry a dozen loaves of bread down the street. “that guy must be a chef,” you think to yourself. wrong. baguette fight club
“Oh, we’re going for a 2 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Oh, & hide your keys.”
-3 year olds.
Alright, I know you’re all wary of funding another Jurassic Park when all the others have ended in disaster, but I have 3 words that will blow your mind: Chance the Velocirapper
ChatGPT’s primary use is to generate plausible excuses to leave dinner at the in-laws’.
I love The Sims because I can act out my craziest fantasies like advancing in my career and building relationships.
I’ve never used the word culvert in a sentence. Well, until now.
hey sorry i just saw this text u sent last month even though my phone is in my hand all day long including when i sleep
[first time seeing Godzilla]
ok so where’s Jesuszilla