First date – I’ll have an ice water and a lettuce wedge
Tenth date – I’ll have a large pizza, extra cheese. What do you want, honey?
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[pulls into taco bell drive thru]
Hi, I’d like enough tacos to forget 2016
I don’t want to brag, but January was a decent year for me
Sensei: Class, one of the principles of judo is using your opponent’s weight against him.
Student: So…we fat-shame him into submission?
Monster mom: Is it a GIRL?
Monster dad: Is it a BOY?Midwife: It has 12 fingers and 4 toes. Just be grateful you created a monster!
If you’ve ever planned anything with more than five people, then you know no conspiracy could possibly be real.
Them: Anytime my friend!
Me: Ok, get your calendar out, I’m going to block out some times
Maybe vet’s office should come with a doggy park just like any DMV should come with a bar
The ex just asked me how can one have a soulmate if one has no soul?
Wonder which of us he was referring to?
Not to brag but I can chop an onion without crying
And I can cry without chopping an onion
wife: didn’t i tell you?
me: yes, you did
wife: you didn’t listen
me: no, I did not
wife: what did i say?
me: you heard turtles in the walls
wife: what did you say?
me: i said you were crazy
wife: what will you do now?
me: i’ll call the turtle guy
wife: you’ll call the turtle guy
Taught my daughter how to use Amazon Lists and now I have 371 items under “you should buy me this”
my psychiatrist told me i seem like i do improv and i literally don’t even know how to take that
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Now put your cats up!
“Did anyone else’s house get burglarized and have horrible music put on all their devices……….oh U2?”
Siri’s on her period. she needs an iPad
Simba, everything the light touches is our kingdom
“wat abot that shadowy place. by 5pm it wil be in the sun”
..who told you about science
My kids have started saying things to us like “You’re 41 now, you should be able to sit through dinner”. Touché kids, touché.
ok here’s the deal. Yes it was dumb of NASA to ask Sally Ride if she needed 100 tampons for a 7-day mission, but I would have said “Actually I need 250” because that’s free tampons from the government, babbbbyyy.
H: Why do you always wear your hair in a ponytail?
Me: I can’t afford a face lift.
My resume is really just a list of things I never want to do again.
I hate when someone you love says mean things like, “It’s time to wake up.”
I wish my 3yo ate dinner as well as he eats toothpaste
If I’m flirting, you’ll know it by how uncomfortable you become.
*pulling up to the mcdonald’s drive thru*
me: can i get an order of prescription-strength french fries, please
Me: Well, time to go to bed.
[lies down, pulls sheet up, closes eyes]
Anger: Feel that rapid heart beat?
Me: I do.
Anger: You’re thinking about how Nellie Breton didn’t invite you to her pool party in 12th grade.
Me: Damn it.
me: i just don’t know if should i spend $35
him: on what?
me: more books
him: if you’re going to read them
me: …that’s not the point
My husband and I love to play “who can pile the most into the trash can without taking it out” and I can assure there are no winners her. Just cursing, garbage covered losers
Autocorrect is why I have crust issues.
When you’re single and decide to go out for dinner on Valentine’s Day.
I found a few packages of paper towels at the grocery store today, so I looked around to see if I was being punk’d.