God: i’m sorry the answers no.
Jellyfish: please?
God: it’s just too ridiculous.
Jellyfish: don’t I deserve a best friend?
God: yes but-
Jellyfish: pretty please? : (
God: I can’t just make a PeanutButterfish
You Might Also Like
I’m not saying I’ve got a girl crush on you, I’m just saying lesbiadorable together.
So many people say “if my memory serves me correctly” and I’m actually quite shocked at the amount of servants named Memory…….
Witness: I saw the defendant stabbing the victim.
Lawyer: Objection! Witness is ugly!
Judge: Sustained. Jury will disregard the statement.
Here’s another great thing about hot tubs [pulls out a bowl of fully cooked ramen from under the water]
Fight club except it’s me and an old nail polish bottle.
Just lean back in your chair and say “caloric”. It’s exhilerating.
In all honesty, my new dating service, “Well You’re Not So Great Yourself” hasn’t really taken off like I’d hoped.
Me: One large buttery popcorn please!
Him: Ma’am you have to buy a ticket to get into the movies…
Me: One large buttery popcorn TO GO SIR
“I’m gonna make you so happy, baby. And then I’m gonna make you real sad.”
– gas station nachos
Hub: You ready to go?
Me: In a minute, I’m beating the kids.
[Cut to me just decimating the kids at Mario Kart]
The Accountant.
h/t: @KrangTNelson @Boogieknight
The most useful lesson I learned from my cat is if somebody puts clothing on you, just freeze and flop over on your side.
I’ll be outside taking down the Christmas lights.
*unscrews green bulb from porch light*
Ok, I’m done.
DATING: i can’t believe we have so much in common
MARRIAGE: please don’t watch your stuff under my netflix profile
me: do you have a blowup mattress?
host: it’s explosive but it hasn’t blown up yet.
me: hahaha
host: hahaha
me: (nervous sweating)
Probably the most valuable life lesson I’ve learned from a movie is to not steal black girls’ cheer routines.
I have so many mistakes. It’s hard to choose a favourite.
its actually not that difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. one will see you later and one will see you in a while
3 days ago I put a sign on my door that said “I’ll be back in 20 minutes”.
Nobody has bothered me since and I’m never taking it down.
waiter: would you like a soup or salad?
clark kent: [laughs nervously] a super salad? i’ll just have a regular salad please
waiter: alri-
clark kent: [loudly] a regular salad for a regular man
We’d have serious problems if Peter Jackson ever became president. He’d look at World Wars I and II and see them as an unfinished trilogy.
[court]
LAWYER: Did u kill him?
ME: No
L: You know what the punishment is for committing perjury?
ME [lips on the mic] Much less than murder
I find that pregnant women stop asking me about my birthing story when I start describing the scene out of Alien
A brainwash actually sounds pretty nice right now.
Don’t let the British accent fool you. I’m not saying anything smart
Because you crave something doesn’t mean it’s good for you. Every time my husband opens his mouth about politics I crave instant death.
When it comes to Pope vs. Trump, do you take the side of the guy who wears that ridiculous thing on his head or the Pope?