ME: *walks by to put anything away*
WIFE: [not even looking up from her phone] that doesn’t go there
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“You drive, I’m tired.”
Therapist: perhaps you hide behind books and movies instead of addressing your problems
Me, wearing robes, a pointy hat, holding a wand and petting an orange cat sleeping in my lap: crookshanks and i don’t appreciate the judgmental tone you’re using right now
Neighbors across the street have their Christmas lights up, so I invited them to my Easter Egg hunt this afternoon.
waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
me: i’d love it
Two people behind me on the bus sound like they might be on a first date.
Him: What kind of restaurant do you fancy?
Her: Anywhere with a good vegan option.
Long pause.
Him: Cool.
Her: So, what do you do?
Him: I’m. A butcher.
School winter break
Dec 22, 2021 –
How long does it take for an avocado to brown after you cut it nevermind.
All I’m saying is adults don’t tiptoe nearly as much as Saturday morning cartoons led me to believe.
WIFE: I want u to be more spontaneous
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *hides in closet with goalie mask on waiting for her to walk by*
There needs to be a grocery store for single people where they sell flour by the tablespoon.
My superpower is to wake up more tired than I was when I fell asleep.
moms bragging about their kids like ok we’re just gonna sip our wine and pretend Claire’s kid didn’t just ask how many years she’s been 8 for
Sometimes I get bored and tell people I’ve never had pizza before.
Smooth Criminal: I use a razor
Smoother Criminal: I get laser treatments
Smoothest Criminal: *it’s just an Asian guy laughing at them both*
My southern mother forbid me to ever tell the story of when she accidentally got in bed with my boyfriend thinking it was me until she touched his hairy back so I will obviously take that to my grave
Is….Is this an option?
[bedtime]
Me: What’s in vegetable oil?
Daughter: Vegetables
M: And olive oil?
D: Olives
M: And baby oil?
D:
*I turn out the lights and leave
Normalize hissing at people who stand too close to you in the checkout line.
[ER]
Dr: …major cardiac event, you must improve your diet
Me: But I eat tons of fruit and veg
D: Such as?
M: I have ketchup on everything, salad in burgers, pineapple on pizza, a Bloody Mary at breakf—
D: *switching off life support* Nurse, record time of death as imminent
*a few seconds before a spider jumps on me. ”
“Let’s not fight.”
What if IN DA CLUB was a Christmas Song?
Kid being grounded in 1978:
YOU CAN’T GO OUTSIDE. YOU MUST STAY IN YOUR ROOM.
Kid being grounded in 2018:
YOU CAN’T STAY IN YOUR ROOM. YOU MUST GO OUTSIDE.
Just bought Colgate mouthwash ’cause it builds stronger gums and someday my gums might have to lift a car off a baby.
It’s bullshit that Popeyes doesn’t sell spinach salad
The past two Fridays after school I have seen the same group of teens walking home with a store cake and I would like to know how I get in on this Friday cake club.
My kid told me my handwriting looked sarcastic, then corrected himself and said cursive, but he was closer the first time.
“would you still love me if i was a worm?” yes. more, in fact.
my favorite genre of twitter
Roadkill is just a goth zoo
What is your favorite movie about juice from a beetle?