my 3yo found a whistle and is refusing to give it to me so do I just throw the whole kid out or nah?
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HER: *spitting out food* This is GROSS! What did you put in this?
ME: Old Spice. Just like you said to.
HER: I said ALL spice, you idiot!
We only cook with fresh, local ingredients so tonight we’re grilling our neighbor’s cat.
I hate when I’m trying to do shit and I’m married.
Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they start swimming (into my fists)
(gathered around the campfire, 1876)
Me: This meeting could have been a homing pigeon
[customer service desk]
customer: hi, I’d like to make a return
me: ok great I’ll see you later then
When apologizing, it’s important to not let them see your fingers are crossed. I know that now.
Don’t worry. Your secret is safe with me, I won’t say a word about your “wenital werpes” *winks*
[Calls number written on my windshield with lipstick]
Hi, you left your number on my car. Who’s going to clean this?
Guess who doesn’t want to hear your kid sing? Everyone. The answer is everyone, so stop it.
The one upside to triplets is that you finally have enough babies to juggle
Some of my best eBay purchases were bought when I was high.
Except that Batgirl costume this one time (at band camp)…Chaffing.
That’s all I’m saying…
DAUGHTER: [burying pet rabbit in the garden] Goodbye Mr Hoppers. I’ll miss you!
ME: [to wife] Doesn’t it have to be dead first?
Can’t believe you got your kid’s name tattooed on you, like what if you break up?
“I came downstairs for a zip of juice and noticed the tv was gone so I called you guys”
[cop stops writing] did you say zip of juice?
This is an illustration of how dumb I am in the morning: I woke up yesterday to my “Alarm” on my phone and my first thought was “Aladdin is calling me”
Never trust a fortune teller buying more than 1 lottery ticket.
Rapidly approaching the tipping point at which “I’ll never be able to finish this WHOLE burrito bowl!” becomes “I should order another burrito bowl, shouldn’t I”
Me: Alexa, tell me a joke.
Alexa: I’m afraid I can’t due to all the updog.
Me: (long pause) Alexa, take over my Twitter.
Kissing 101:
1. Open your mouth
2. Wider, that’s it.
3. Stick out your tongue
4. Then walk towards her and pray she doesn’t run away.
“It’s a bird!”
[Superman zooms down to inches away from the screaming guy’s face]
S: Birds can’t go that fast Sean. What are you an idiot
‘I like the smell of your meat’ may not have been the best greeting to the hot waiter at the BBQ joint I picked for lunch.
In a marriage it’s always a competition to see who can look busier, hence why I sighed and shook my head repeatedly while writing this.
Boss made me put a nametag over my left bosom. I leaned over and said, “Now, what shall we name the other one?”
Back from my bike ride and I feel fit as a fiddle … the fiddle, ya know, that most athletic of instruments…
if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it
*howling & snorting* I don’t know what the big deal is about skipping some medication.
Frankly, I don’t know how Jason and Freddy put up with all the screaming
I love seeing live bands. The dead ones just kind of lay there.