There is no App,
To Replace your Lap!Read to your child.
#Mothersday #booklovers
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My kid found my ice cream stash and now I have to eat it all tonight so I don’t have to share it tomorrow – parenting is tough and not for everyone
“How many dead bodies do I have to leave on the porch before they acknowledge me?”
-Cats
Body: *sharp abdominal pain*
Me: Oh, God. Is that cancer? I bet it’s cancer.
Body: Are you gonna go to the doctor? If you’re worried it’s cancer let’s go get it checked out.
Me: No, I’m good.
To the person crowding me in the checkout line, do you want a hug .. ’cause if you get any closer, I’m gonna assume you do and give you one.
Everybody values honesty, until they have an ugly baby.
[first day as a waiter]
Customer: We’ve been waiting forever.
Me: ME TOO.
if i die wearing my guy fieri fire shirt will i be camouflaged in hell
I’m ashamed how many times Google’s had to correct my spelling. Yes Google, I meant Shih Tzu not shits zoo.
McDonald’s burgers always look so great in their commercials but when you actually order one it always looks like its been sat on.
Want to make a nerd’s head explode? Go to any site that posted the new Star Wars trailer & write “Where’s Captain Kirk?” in the comments.
No toilet paper. My training kicks in. I barrel roll under the stall & onto the lap of the person in the next stall. I did not plan for this
get you a girl who
911: hello this is 911
me: [panicky garbled mumbling]
911: do you have a too hot to eat pizza roll in your mouth
me: [confirmatory garbled mumbling]
Lady was pissy when I insisted on walking with her to the parking lot, but it was raining and she had an umbrella.
IAN: I broke my leg once
ME: I’ve never broken a bone, touch wood [touches wood]
THE UNIVERSE: THIS MAN WILL NEVER BREAK A BONE
Why does Africa get better animals than us? It’s like Africa woke up at dawn and went straight to the animal-picking office, and then all the other continents stumbled in hung over at noon.
Me: what should I do?
Dentist: stop eating sugar, drinking coffee and wine, cut back on stress..
Me: right but like realistically
The question is not “Why is Instagram not working?”, but “Why does the world need another picture of you?” #instagramnotworking
My Uber driver: (quiet, minding their own business)
Me: are you mad at me?
My kids were very upset to learn that we are eating animals when we eat meat, so they’ve decided to stop.
Except for the animals that make bacon, chicken nuggets, and hamburgers.
HIM: Hi, I’m Bill.
ME: Hi, I’m…oh shit this is embarrassing. I’m not really good with names.
*wakes up*
*checks the obituaries*
*sees I’m not listed*
“Well that’s a relief”
Hey “La La Land” remember when you gave us that fake happy ending and then took it away
How’s it feel
GOOD COP: He won’t talk except in sign language
BAD COP: I just cut off his left hand
BAD PUN COP: He still has the right to remain silent
Just dropped a butcher knife in the kitchen and apparently I can fly now. So that’s cool.
[rose from the movie titanic a couple years later sitting on crowded bus]
excuse me, can you slide over so I ca-
“NO, there’s no room”
Dog: I will guard you with my life!
Cat: What was your name again?
Remind me again … how many glasses of wine does it take to cook a turkey?
It be like that sometimes 😆
VERY ANNOYED. My enemy keeps playing Hulk Hogan’s theme song b4 I enter rooms. People then expect Hulk Hogan & are disappointed when it’s me