apparently “spite” is not the appropriate answer to “What motivates you?”
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Never feel like you’re too small to make a difference. After all, a tiny raisin has the ability to RUIN EVERYTHING ITS BAKED IN.
Several of my internal organs hurt, but I’m 100% sure it’s not my body trying to tell me something.
Every house has this drawer
Server: What kind of sauce do you want for your pasta?
15: The tears of my enemies…
Kids are fun.
NETFLIX: Skip intro?
ME: Yes.
NETFLIX: Okay… you know someone worked really hard on that intro.
ME: Should…should I not skip it?
NETFLIX: I mean, that’s not for me to say.
ME: Okay, skip intro.
NETFLIX: Okay *quietly* you’re a terrible person.
I accidentally dropped one of my husband’s Viagra into my contact solution and now I’m cockeyed.
getting corrected
I don’t worry that I’ll turn into my mother because I’ve already turned into my grandmother.
I don’t know how many capes and tutus are the maximum one person should own; I just know my daughter doesn’t want to discuss it.
I accidentally got my blow up doll pregnant.
Related: I’ve got some balloons for sale.
How to care for cast iron properly:
1. You’re an adult do whatever you want. Don’t let strangers on the internet tell you what to do it’s a frying pan not a Rembrandt!
2. Don’t you dare put it in the dishwasher.
“I ran a half marathon” sounds so much better than “I quit halfway through a marathon”.
At least the first 6 months of January is almost over.
[after giving performance of a lifetime]
ME: I only wish… I only wish my dad could see me now
MUFFLED VOICE FROM BEHIND EXTREMELY TALL AUDIENCE MEMBER: I’m sure you did great son
My German girlfriend said she wants me to eat her Kürbiskuchen. I was aroused.
I found out it means pumpkin pie. Now I’m more aroused.
Looking at food photos online may help curb overeating: study
Nobody learns to parkour faster than a parent chasing a toddler with a sharpie
What do you call a Magician without any magic?
Ian.
Me: I haven’t spoken to my mom in years. I do love her though.
Therapist: She isn’t going to live forever. You should call and tell her.
Me: You’re right…*dials number*
Mom, you’re going to die *hangs up*
Sociophobia is the fear of friends.
Sociophoebea is the fear of just the ditzy one.
If you think you’re socially awkward, one time a woman I barely know was pointing to something on my shirt and I thought she wanted to start a finger sword fight with me.
Mermaids: Can’t live with them, can’t beat them in a potato sack race.
Corgi: why are my legs so short?
God: that’s just what legs look like.
Corgi: oh cool.
[giraffe walks by]
Corgi:
God: you weren’t supposed to see that.
Leave Twitter just because it’s lacking infrastructure and is terribly understaffed?
Babe, I’m a public school teacher 😅
My inner monologue 90% of the time: “I don’t get it.”
My Star Wars lingerie is still in the wash so for tonight’s role-play I’m probably just going to wear a matching undies & bra and rename them Star-Drawers and Bra Bra Jinks
I’m not sure what my three-year-old needs more, naps or an exorcism.
Twitter is like a dorm, someone is always up at every hour, someone is crying and someone is drunk.
My outfit today says “I’m going for a run in the fresh air and maybe do some yoga afterwards.”
My outfit is full of lies.