[Inventing octopus]
God: 8 arms
Angel: okayyyy
G: with suckie things
A: and-
G: Mouth like a parrot, shoots ink
A: wtf
G: …I ate mushrooms
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Confuse your least favorite person at work by moving in slow motion when they’re the only person watching you
[on a Ferris wheel]
Me: *to my pet ferret* I’m sorry, Joshua, there’s been a misunderstanding
Chase scenes in movies will be extremely quiet, once electric cars become mainstream.
paperclip: the staple for people with commitment issues.
Yoga isn’t as easy as you’d think a few drinks in…
My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
Cashier: the receipt is in the bag
Me: you too
[new job]
BOSS: how bout u introduce yourself
ME: I’m Howie
BOSS: Howie?
ME: Dewitt
BOSS: everyone this is Howie Dewitt
ME: *starts dancing*
Me: *Applying for a second mortgage*
Banker: *shuffling papers* I just don’t understand how you got the first one on this Bouncy House.
Keep reading this tweet, I don’t want you to see me steal your donut
I hate it when people try to use big words when they clearly don’t know their meaning. It makes them sound so gelatinous and isosceles.
did you know the official veterinary term for your cat eating something it shouldn’t is “dietary indiscretion” which absolutely sounds like a cat politician trying to downplay its irresponsible past
It must be awkward being a cyclops called Iain.
Me: You should cut your toenails.
Wife: Huh?
M: You’re scratching my leg.
W: I’m WAY on the other side of the bed!
M: That’s kinda my point.
When you think about it, ‘I’ll pray for you’ is essentially saying ‘I’ll talk to myself about your problem’. Good luck!
First date idea: Find out how they sneeze.
If you’re using YOLO to justify doing something stupid, remember you only DIE once too.
Inspirational tweet.
My toddler just threw her teddy bear out of her crib like she works for United Airlines.
Remember when we realized dinosaurs were really just giant birds and people were like “oh well that’s not very terrifying anymore” and then everyone who’s ever met a goose was like IT IS IN FACT MUCH MORE TERRIFYING NOW
I was helping my son with his geography homework and I told him that the capital of Iceland was New Bjork so now I have another meeting with his teacher.
*grilled cheese
cheese: i want a lawyer
Life is as good or as bad as you make it. Take responsibility for your choices, including how you feel about a situation. And breathe.
I wish people would move over a bit in their selfies. We’re redecorating a bathroom and looking for ideas.
Me: cute infant you have there
Mary: thanks
Me: so tender and mild
Mary: …w-what
looking for someone who loves me as much as some people love standing up the second a plane lands.
I put some doughnuts, ice cream, and snickers bars in my blender for dessert tonight, so yeah-I juice.
My high-school wrestling coach called me “the raccoon” cause I was small but feisty and ate garbage and gave people lyme disease
I’m not saying these people are peeing in the ocean, but I’ve been on the beach for 4.5 hours with a bunch of beer drinkers and not one has left my line of sight yet.
We took family pictures with an actual photographer today. No one argued, no one yelled, no one whined, no one cried. Years from now we can look at these photos and say, “this is how we never were.”
The good news is that my appetite has come back. The bad news is that my appetite has come back.