Cooking fresh fruit with sugar is my jam.
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Him: Will you marry me?
Me: *sprays him in the face with silly string*
girl im dating buying shampoo: I’ll get this one
me looking for a reason to break up with her: coconut and orchids??
My refrigerator is so full I have to slide the Country Crock out like I’m playing Jenga
The afternoons I spent on my hair.
Franz Kafka, 1912.
What’s the game you play that when you lose you never regret it?
Russian roulette.
“every family has that one huge weirdo”
“NOT MY FAMILY!” I shout as I quickly exit the room, my six ducks on leashes in hot pursuit.
“Ugh, it’s so dark!” *shivers* “And cold! Why is it so huge? It’s, like, jeez, does it go on forever?!”
– Larry, the worst astronaut
Me: I’m a programmer.
Person 1: “make my website pls”
Person 2: “I have a billion dollar idea”
Person 3: “can you fix my printer?”
Person 4: “How do I create a table of contents in Microsoft Word?”
Neighbor: “Can you fix the building’s elevator?”
If you steal piles of leaves from someone else’s yard it’s called grand theft autumn.
So you better just leaf it right there. 😎🍂
yeah 😭
I love that technology has advanced so much that Alexa can understand me with my mouth full of crisps
[meeting the parents]
Dad: what do you think of Baroque?
Me: *trying to impress him* you should see my bank account. Im always broke.
[Chasing a fox on my bike]
ME: How is he reaching the pedals?!
Fitness coach: have you been exercising & doing push-ups?
*Flashback to me running after the ice cream man & buying all the push-ups* “yes”
me: look, I’m just saying things have gotten really complicated, and I think we need to start over
box of plastic wrap:
*Holding a banana like a phone* (texting)
[couples therapy]
HER: He’s always talking down to me
ME: *heavy sigh* It’s called being condescending but I doubt you knew that, Karen
“Are you on Facebook?”
“No, but I’m on..
(don’t say twitter, don’t say twitter)
..Mescaline”
(Nailed it)
My boss said I couldn’t bring my dog into the office so I had to tie him to a tree outside. He’s not happy about it but it’s cool being in the office with my dog.
An Adele remix? Perfect now I can dance and cry at the same time.
What did Jay-Z call Beyoncé before they got married?
Feyoncé…
The rose scented hand sanitizer I got from Bath & Body Works reminds me of a funeral home so I just kinda go with it and think of the dead germs.
[store window advert – 50% off everything]
me: is everything really half off?
sales assistant: absolutely
me: even this $750 suit?
sa: yep, we take 50% off at checkout
me: I’ll take it
sa: *cutting it in half* that’ll be $750, please
Gonna start telling my teenage daughters, “ok, boomer” when they try to act like my mother.
Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you’ll save from not having a social life.
McDonald’s burgers always look so great in their commercials but when you actually order one it always looks like its been sat on.
ME: Then the robber came thru the door holding a gun
COP: Was it a revolver?
ME [thinks] No he just pushed it open & walked thru like normal
Me: You’re SURE you know how to cut hair?
Wife: I told you I watched a YouTube video
Best misinterpreted text ever!
doctor: this may hurt
me: june doesn’t look much better