Her: What’s your favorite part about being a stay-at-home mom?
Me: Showering is optional
Her: HAHAHA, be serious.
Me: Ok, no drug tests.
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Every video my wife has taken with her phone has me in it saying, “Are you taking a video?”
love when my grandparents tell me the story of how they met and got together because suddenly I find myself googling things like “statute of limitations India” “how to report a crime from 1942” “can I report a crime in India if I live in America”.
Daughter: Finally got a workout in today.
Me: Where? The basement?
Daughter: No, up in my room.
Me: What did you do? An obstacle course?
Daughter:
ADELE: hello from the outside
ME (closing blinds): a restraining order means nothing to that woman
Me: don’t you love it when you find $20 in a jacket pocket?
Guy [wearing a jacket that used to have $20 in it]: *distant yelling* hey get back here
*pulls away from kissing*
batman, is this why I’m your sidekick?
me: freedom implies the existence of freesub
subway: we said no
Have you ever considered shaving that beard and gluing it to your bald spot?
…
Oh! You meant a question about the job position!
No matter the situation you can always count on me to help*
*instantly make it worse
[bill gates house]
Bill: What’s on at the cinema?
Wife: Let me google it and-
*terrified look at bill*
Wife: Let me bing it and see.
Breakfast Club: don’t you forget about me
Fight Club: forget you have a whole other personality
Rock bottom implies the existence of paper bottom and scissors bottom.
if *I* were a baby with no appointments or responsibilities, I would simply not wake up at 5.45am
Was invited to give a talk about comedy writing to some 8th graders today and at the end the teacher asked what my main advice for kids was and I said invest in fresh water stocks as soon as possible. Wasn’t the vibe, they wrapped me up pretty quick
Do girls imagine themselves sucking in a invisible spaghetti when they’re about to take a picture?
People telling me “Don’t be stupid” like I have some kinda say in the matter.
People who have drive and determination impress me. Yesterday one of my kitchen drawers got stuck and I was like, guess I’m never using a fork again.
Let’s go to church and wink at each other whenever one of our sins gets mentioned.
Pan Left To Soak Now Predates All Current Roommates
[first night in hell]
This isn’t so bad, really. I expected worse.[6 AM, waking up to every neighbor mowing their lawn]
ARE YOU KIDDING ME
My boss: So… [dramatic pause]
Me, uncomfortable with silence: …a needle pulling thread?
“[I] broke up with him because I was sick of justifying his trench coat to my friends” – Overheard on the bus
Toilet roll shortage. Fine.
Potatoes. Yes whatever.
Chocolate shortage.. PANIC BUY.
One of the moms at school pickup always yells “hi, chicken nugget” to her kid, and that’s a level of parental embarrassment I can only aspire to
Doctor: I have good news!
Me: oh thank God
Doctor: Do you want to die?
Me: No!
Doctor: Right I thought you were gonna say yes ok I have bad news 🙁
You ever notice how when you get home from food shopping, the kids turn into airport security?
What’s the most ridiculous demand a customer has made of you? I’ll go first: when I was working retail, a woman once demanded I pick her up from her Botox appointment with my car & bring her to the mall to shop
sergio leone: i’m going to name my next movie after you
the good: nice
the bad: cool
me: what’s it called?
That burrito didn’t agree with me.
And then I was like “Why am I arguing with a burrito?!”
Boss “I’m looking for a volunteer.”
Me *chops off own legs “I can’t!”
Co-worker “I’m busy, sorry.”
Me “damn, that’s a better excuse.”