Me: “I feel like this bottom tooth has shifted, they’re not as straight as they should be.”
Orthodontist: “Are you wearing your Invisalign trays every night?”
Me: …
…
… “What’s your point?”
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A truck just flipped a dead squirrel onto my windshield and it’s stuck in my wiper.
I guess I don’t have to stop to get supper tonight.
a daycare dad cut me off in the parking lot so I went early yesterday and taught his kid how to ride a bike you can never get that back
All my mom’s plants die from being overwatered and that’s all you need to know about my childhood and why I’m like this.
Body: go to sleep
Brain: what country has the largest population of goats? Better run a search on this
If you are farther than me in candy crush I will automatically think you are smarter than me.
Ways to get me naked:
1. Be hot
2. Be funny
3. Be alcohol
4. Pretend to be my gynecologist
Find someone who will worry about you like the way my Amazon delivery guy does when I don’t order anything in more than two days
DAMMIT!
-me, trying to put my hand in a fake pocket for the 80th time today
Pretty disappointed that the phrase “if looks could kill” is figurative
“I know you! You were one of the bad guys in Titanic!” I yelled at the ocean, who ignored me like most celebrities.
When they say jump, you have to be ready to say, into which volcano.
Ice cream man: in a cup or in a cone
Me: cone please. I find the cups upset my stomach.
My doctor said to have a reasonable meal for dinner, so I talked some sense into my pizza.
Me: *buys a baseball cap shopping with my 13yo Niece, rips off the tag, and curves the brim*
Niece: *stares at me like I committed a murder in front of her*
I’m not saying that my family doesn’t clean but if I come home to the smell of bleach my first assumption would be someone was murdered.
Hand 2 toddlers a poisoned cookie and tell them not to eat it, then leave for a day. Some would call that stupid. The Bible calls it Genesis
Today is the first day of the rest of your life and you’ve already screwed it up.
I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
I always thought I was a terrible multitasker until I had kids and had to feed a baby, wipe a nose, and produce a snack all while merging on the freeway.
People don’t know this but there’s no section in the criminal code that prohibits you from training pigeons to pick pocket tourists.
Judge: you‘re gonna hang
Me: awesome, with whom?
[phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well…u know that shop where u saw that ring you love
W: OMG YES
M: I’m catching Pokemon near there
husband: *enters house w/ buckets of water*
me: what’s with all the water
him: you know FULL WELL
Modest Mouse: Float On
Arrogant Mouse: Gloat On
GUY: Sorry you two broke up. What happened?
ME: Well, like most things, it can be traced to the assassination of Archduke Franz Ferdinand…
40-26-36.
My measurements?
Naw.
Just the three Chinese meal entrees I’m ordering.
Danke for calling Germany.
To order beer, press 1.
To order weapons, press 2.
To order philosophy, press 1 until it resembles a 2.
I don’t think I ever really recovered from that time my pet rock ran away.
[Bob Dylan giving singing lessons]
I’d like you to sing it again, but this time plug your nose and put these 5 marbles in your mouth.
[French restaurant]
DANIEL: Promise me, not again
MIYAGI: Promise. [raises hand] Garcon?
[waiter comes]
D: Don-
M: [waves hand] Garcoff