[Interview]
“Do you have any previous experience dealing with animals?”
[flashback to my flatmate leaving toast crumbs in the butter]
..Yes.
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He’s all “I’m totally a normal guy”
But then “I eat raw radishes all the time”
Make up your mind dude.
Going to church you guys need anything
COWORKER: you got like 8 hickeys. Must’ve been a fun weekend haha
ME (remembering not to talk about octopus fight club): yea it got pretty wild
Archbishop: If anyone objects to this wedding…
Prince William: Me! Meghan, I adore you!
Prince Harry: Wut?!!! I adore her!Spin Doctors whip out their instruments & huddle together: okay, guys… we’ve been training for this our whole lives!
I don’t hate you, but if you we’re drowning, I would dive in and handcuff a piano to your neck.
Parent pro tip: Beware of the child who cleans their room without being prompted. They are about to ask to borrow money.
No more dating apps, just gonna sit on my front porch and yell at people.
Not to get dates, because people need yelling at.
If kidnappers shoved me in a car and put a bag over my head I’d try to lighten the mood by being like It’s getting darker so much earlier these days
My 4yo just started playing rock, paper, scissors with himself. The good news is he won.
Would like to think i’m a chill person but i did a jigsaw puzzle the other day with people who had bad puzzle etiquette and i nearly put my fist through the glass top of the coffee table.
*eats half a banana then stubs the bit that’s left in an ashtray*
*goes out*
*realises why I stay in.*
[1st day at the office]
boss: this is janice, she loves playing hide and seekme: nice to meet you
voice from behind the photocopier: you too
frodo: [doesnt know how to get to mordor, doesnt know how to fight, doesnt know who he should actually trust] i need to do this alone
you ok? you’ve barely touched your crocissant
“I’m an Aquarius, I hate it when people stab me in the back.”
Wow. The rest of us absolutely love it.
It has been 3 years since Monday.
A horror movie but it’s just a married couple trying to work from home and one of them is chewing
When Leo said, “To all my friends, you know who you are” he was talking about the bear
How to get your kids to stop coming with you to Target:
Son: Mom, can you buy this for me?
Me: I’m not your Mom.
Son: Mom, stop.
Me: Let’s go find your Mom.
Son: MOM, STOP!
Me: SECURITY!
so my mum bought a lamb for £20 so it doesn’t get killed tomorrow and is planning to keep her in the garden with the dogs???? Honestly wish I could say I’m surprised but it’s very her
Why roboticize vacuuming? It’s all instant gratification. It’s the crack of cleaning.
Gorilla: so I’m 500 pounds.
God: yes.
Gorilla: I have no natural predators.
God: yes.
Gorilla: I literally live here.
God: yes.
Gorilla: and I’m not the King of the Jungle?
God: exactly.
Gorilla: who is?
God: it’s kind of hard to explain-
Lion: did you tell him yet?
“Daddy will u tuck me in?:)”
“Ok”
*tucks him in*
“Daddy sing me a song:)”
“Ok”
*clears throat*
LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODIES H
“Why am I not asleep?” he thought, while shining a beam of pure information directly into his eyes from eight inches away.
there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it
When you want to key his car, but he doesn’t have one, so you bend his bus pass.
Growing up, our family had this really lovely old German Shepherd, I’ll never forget being in floods of tears the day that mum and dad had to sit us down and tell us that he was being tried for war crimes.
waiter: do you have any questions about the menu
me: yes what’s the name of this font used for the meats