Happy anniversary to the almond at the bottom of my purse.
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The voices are having a huge argument tonight, I’m just hoping to fall asleep before the rational one drags me into it.
Codpieces aren’t supposed to made out of fish? Crap! Hang on, then, I need to change.
My toxic trait is putting my black phone down on a black surface for “just a second”
When all you wanted was a good paying job, but now you have to touch base, circle back, dive deep, be more impactful, come up with action plans, utilize your resources, go above and beyond, and piggyback off of what Susan said
My nephew Lyle just explained to me the “F” in “F Bomb” stands for “friendship.”
F Bombs for everyone! 😃
Not to brag…
… but practically all of my arrest warrants are considered ‘outstanding’.
Oh, to be a rat with a pancake
I’m just a girl, sitting on a plane, watching each person come closer to the empty seat beside me and thinking “please don’t sit here”.
I don’t like Haiku because you have to do poetry AND math.
6:00pm
Me: Hey, Bud. Getting hungry?
4: nope6:15
Me: almost ready for dinner?
4: not yet6:25
Me: Time to wash your hands to eat.
4: But I’m not hungry6:30
Me: are you-
4: I’M STARVINGGG. WHY IS MY FOOD TAKING SO LOOONG? WHEN ARE WE GONNA EEEAT? WHY DON’T YOU LOVE MEEE?
Doctor: does mental illness run in your family?
Me: I do have an aunt that’s a morning person.
It’s amazing how the lowly potato gives us potato chips, french fries, and vodka. Get your shit together, every other vegetable.
why I oughta
Me being confident.
I am 99% sure I did it, well 90% anyway.
Ok.. 50%.
Did I do it?
I’ll never salute you, General Settings
*rocking back and forth, trying to gather enough momentum to get out of a chair* WHO ARE YOU CALLING FAT?
Son: can I go?
Dad: storm coming, tornado warnings
Son: yeah I know
Dad: wait for your brother to get home, he can continue the bloodline
Day 4: They suspect nothing.
📸:
Dads be like, “Picked out the t-shirt I’ll be wearing every weekend for the next 20 years.”
I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.
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friend: I love your cookies
me: it’s a secret family recipe
friend: wow
me: please don’t tell my husband about my secret family
My mom called and gave me the weekly weather report. I can’t wait to do this to my kids.
I set my GPS voice to Mom, and now when I miss a turn, it says “Your sister wouldn’t have missed that.”
Me: *being possessed* Ew, do you always feel like this?
When you’re not sure if people keep waving at you you might need to ease up on the hellocinogens
[moments after time traveling to 1863]
LINCOLN: four score & seven years ago
ME: [behind a tree] JUST SAY IT NORMAL
Mom, I have a runny nose I don’t need a rectal thermometer.
Plus, I’m 35
If the human race has a “signature move,” its gotta be lying to the dentist about flossing.
I don’t actually need a house cleaner, I just need the threat of a house cleaner coming over as motivation