If you hear me using my son’s walkie-talkie in Target because I don’t have a phone right now, the polite thing is to take your cart to the next aisle before laughing
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Juliet: Wherefore art thou, Romeo-
Romeo: Cool fact: wherefore means why
Juliet: Well-
Romeo: So you’re asking why I am
Juliet:
Romeo [hand on her shoulder]: it’s because my dad banged my mom
I’m your girl in the apocalypse till there’s something that needs to be opened because I have no muscles in my hands 😭😭😭😭
Ok, but like, how married are you?
Wife: Our 5yo sure is acting like a grown-up lately
Me: Really?
5yo: *walks in* I can’t remember what I came in here for
Me: omg
museums: why doesn’t anyone go to museums anymore
also museums: thanks for the $22. here are 87 bolted down ipads. tap on them
Pro-tip for couples suddenly working from home together: Get yourselves an imaginary coworker to blame things on. In our apartment, Cheryl keeps leaving her dirty water cups all over the place and we really don’t know what to do about her.
Does superman ever go back to get his clothes, or is Metropolis just full of hobos running around in glasses and Clark Kent outfits?
All hugs are good hugs except bear hugs. A bear hug is like a regular hug except you die at the end…
Just ate an order of cheese fries and smoke started coming out of my Fitbit.
I went to bed last night and my brother came out of the closet and scared the shit out of me, I forgot we were playing hide and seek…
Everyone has something they believe in.
I believe in drinking before noon.
Cornhub…
For them dirty farmers.
[Sporting goods store]
Me: *buying skis* No need for a bag my good man. I’ll be wearing them out
Praying mantis walks up to his buddies with no head,
“Guess who got laid last night?”
[Writing Batman theme]
WRITER: So it starts by saying “Batman.”
PRODUCER: Well that makes sense, just once?
WRITER: 23 times.
PRODUCER:
WRITER: Then you just make noise for awhile.
PRODUCER:
WRITER
PRODUCER:
WRITER: Then you say Batman again.
Apparently they don’t want you sipping your beverage from a brown paper bag at work.
A N U S
B U T T
M U F F
~ My reply when the optometrist asks me to read the lower lines, regardless of what I see
Things would be so much simpler if everything was as easy as your mom.
If you stare in a mirror long enough and start screaming, you’ll see angry faces of figures dressed in orange.
*only works at Home Depot
Me: Hi, mom. I’m feeling tremendous guilt.
Mom: Why?
Me: Just thought I’d save you the effort.
I love the National Park Service.
I was dressed and ready to go for a run an hour and a bag of Doritos ago.
*tops off beautiful woman’s wine glass* But what if you could, Sharon, what if you could control the cat with a Nintendo Power Glove?
According to the Internet:
Xbox One
– $500.
– Weaker hardware.
– Mandatory daily check-in.
– Requires Kinect.
– DRM.PS4
– Cures cancer.
My little brother tried his first edible and is currently writing the worst statuses ever
Make fun of my briefcase all you want but I’ve got a whole cake in here.
When an unattractive woman in a bar asks me my sign I tell her “Stop.”
In honor of the longest night of the year I will also be cold, distant &filled with darkness.
People will think you know what you’re talking about if you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses.
Q: What’s the difference between a water bottle and puberty?
A: A water bottle has already hit Justin Bieber. #JustinBieber