If I had to pick a favorite Rocky movie, it’d be Rocky IV. I’ve never seen it but I hear Creed dies in that one & I really hate their music.
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velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night
judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property
[while hiking I slip off the edge of a cliff but bend into a boomerang shape and fly precisely back up to my original spot and continue hiking]
Therapist: It’s been 8 years since the death of your parents. How are you coping?
Bruce Wayne: I dress as a bat and beat up strangers now.
My husband keeps insisting we try 69, but I think we should keep the thermostat at 72 degrees this winter.
(to the tune of We Will Rock You)
I feed my dog dog food
I’m so excited that the gyms are opening up on Monday. No, not to go workout, silly. To cancel my membership.
Tried a new flavor from my favorite brand of energy drinks.
It was the 2nd grossest taste I’ve ever had in my mouth.
(No offense, Andrea.)
new challenge called “don’t say ‘woow it’s already dark by five these days’ for the rest of winter” challenge
Smokey the Bear is 100% what kept me from starting forest fires
DORA: “Swiper, no swiping!”
SWIPER: “oh, man”
*Wealthier fox shows up, swipes everything*
DORA: “That’s OK, it’ll trickle down”
911: what room is the body in
me: I wanna say living room… but that feels weird
What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.
Alcohol is like Lysol for feelings, it won’t kill all of them.
I before E except after C…and on Old McDonald’s farm.
The French cow says MEUX…
*Walks into brothel*
One chicken soup to go please
I needed this today. He takes a break. Lol
Unicorn: Come on man, do it just one more time.
Dragon: This is the last time.
Unicorn: Hell yeah!
Dragon: [toasts unicorns marshmallow]
“Well-behaved women seldom make history,” I quietly say as I don’t wait the full 10 minutes for the oven to preheat.
What’s your stance on public intoxication?
Mine is very wobbly.
A bathroom scale that when you stand on it just says “Your body is but a point in space; your life, a differential of time.”
My therapist says I’m making progress but that’s only because I lie to her
They say “do something today that makes the world a better place”…….so I’m getting drunk.
Me: *takes her shirt off & sees a padded bra* whoa
Her: I’m so sorry, are you upset?
M: *pulls a salami out of my shorts* let’s call it even
Parenting means you will never say “What?!” again without sounding annoyed.
which is the Beyonce song where it’s like we’re independent but also you should marry us but like we’re super-strong but also pay our bills
The Joker furiously scrolling through Batman’s old tweets for anything problematic
Carl: Perfect weather tonight.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: Butterflies taste with their feet.
Me: Fair enough.
I’d like to say the best moment of a woman’s life is giving birth, but it’s actually seeing an old nemesis & realizing she got really fat.