“Surprise!” they yelled as he came in.
He screamed.
“Happy birthday!” they said.
“Do I know you?”
“No. We’re just excellent surprisers.”
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Not saying my marriage is bad but I swiped left when I saw my husband on Tinder
inventing words: clothing
I didn’t realize how much I loved Ben Franklin until my son said “all he did was invent electricity concepts with that kite and key” – I said HE INVENTED SO MUCH MORE, YOU TAKE THAT BACK
For a petite woman my wife snores like a downshifting Mack truck.
After I use the restroom, I thoughtfully put the seat back down and also close the lid and place a heavy object on top to contain any intruding snakes.
911: 911, whats your emergency?
Man: a guy got hit by a car. He needs an ambulance.
911: what’s your location?
Man: I’m on eucalyptus st.
911: can you spell that for me?
Man: (pause)
911: Sir?
Man: I’m gonna drag him over to First ave & call you back
I see WWIII is about to kick off again. I’d best cancel the milk and get the cat in.
[kelloggs meeting]
“okay so, the corn flakes box, what can we put on it?”
a chicken
“jim is there something wrong at home?”
*Watching TV*
Hmmm, I should read more
*Turns on subtitles*
Willy Wonka making Charlie the CEO of the Wonka company was actually a pretty smart business move considering the lawsuits the company will be getting after the murder tour
I don’t understand parents who always think their kids are blameless, I always assume mine are guilty and hope to be pleasantly surprised
There’s a fire burning in my heart, no wait, it’s acid reflux, carry on.
I wonder if Pink’s parents are named Red and White.
Crazy how women have the stereotype of being chatty when 90% of dudes have 45 minute podcasts that no one listens to…
If I plant a McRib can I grow a McWoman?
me: *clutching arm* the bark is worse than the bite
gf: how did you get bitten by a tree
I’m writing a fairytale about a printer that just works.
“Raising a child is nothing like having a dog,” I say as my child begs to be let outside so he can pee on a tree.
let’s split up gang… me and this super hot girl who hangs out with us for some reason are gonna search the house… turtleneck u take the dog and this filthy hippie to the graveyard
Why is called an “extraction” and not an “amputeeth”?
People who marry themselves are so silly, like you already live together
Keep in mind that “The Cat in the Hat” is a lesson to your kids on how to throw a house party when you’re gone…
Oh OK thanks for the tip, I was actually planning on letting the bed bugs bite but good call
Hey girl are you the supply chain? Because despite extensive explanations I do not understand what is wrong with you
3: mummy can I tell you about my dream?
Me: of course sweetie
3: *finishes 3 hours later* did you like it?
Me: *didn’t listen to any of it* loved it!
3: what was your favourite part?
Me:
3:
Me:
3:
Me: *sweating* the….unicorn part?
3: mine too yay!
Me: yay!
Pro tip:
Ask your boss if you can go home early since you’re not going to do anything anyways.
It’s impossible to buy a mirror that isn’t used
Dad: Are you hungry?
Me: Yeah!!! I could eat a horse right now!
Dad: I was asking the dog.
Me:
I see Atheists are fighting and killing each other again, over who doesn’t believe in any God the most. Oh, no..wait.. that never happens.
If someone brought me coffee right now I would follow them around like an imprinted baby bird forever.