*holding cardboard sign by intersection*
NOT POOR JUST ON MY WAY TO BREAK DANCING SCHOOL
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FRIEND: Women like a little danger.
ME: Okay.
[later on date]
HER: So where are we-
ME: *opening door of moving car* Get out. NOW.
who’s your fav Disney Princess? Mine is the Italian chef who made an entire candlelit meal for two stray dogs and then serenaded them until they kissed
ME: *Buying unnecessary & expensive gadget*
CASHIER: How will you be paying for this?
ME: Probably with an argument and no sex for a month
When I was young I was poor. But after decades of hard work, I’m no longer young.
imagine an evil whale. you can’t. what would it even do
[looking at wife’s tombstone]
today would’ve been our anniversary
*falls to knees*
why did I pre-buy her tombstone causing her to divorce me
GENIE: and for your first wish?
ME: I wish that the end of every bag of chips was the start of another
GENIE: holy shit!
[On a date and we pull into the restaurant parking lot]
“I’ll just wait in the car.”
Genie: what is your first wish
Me: can you fold this fitted sheet please
G: I’m a genie not a witch
“Will.he.was”
-Will.i.am’s tombstone
My cat, an idiot: Those ornaments look exactly like my toys. Why can’t I play with them?
Me, pinnacle of animals: That felt frog wearing a top hat is to celebrate The Lord
hey pistachios how about taken the shells off we don’t want those sweetie
[ Mt. Everest camp ]
First climber: hey where’s your buddy?
Second climber: idk he must have gotten up on the wrong side of bed.
Boss: Can you redact the total before sending the statement?
Me: Sure. Right after I look up the word redact.
The neighbor is having an open home
How long should I stand at my front door naked yelling at birds?
Make people question sincerity by adding quotations to your cards:
“Thank You”
Get well “soon”
“Congratulations” on the “baby”
When a couple I’m friends with splits up, I always choose sides with the one who won’t ask to sleep on my couch.
I’ve written a musical called Fish. It’s very similar to Cats, although Memory’s a lot shorter.
Clock: oh shit, I am
Me: looks like the clock’s a bit fast
Fred: Take his mask off, let’s see who he really is.
Velma: No Fred, we are in the middle of a pandemic.
“I lost my Khakis”
– a guy from Boston who lost his car keys.
Just had a drink at an airport Bubba Gump Shrimp Co and I’m appalled they don’t have a cocktail named Rum Forrest Rum.
Someone in South Korea accused North Korea of having assassination squads.
That’s a lie.
On an unrelated note, I need that guy’s address.
Dr: how’s your diet?
Me: I’ve been eating a lot of good fats like you said
Dr: ice cream isn’t good fats
Me: are you kidding me ice cream is amazing
I hope George Clooney dumps his wife so he and Brad Pitt can finally be happy together.
me: i need answers
smashmouth guy: please i have a family
me: [tasing him again] who told you?
smashmouth guy: aaagh
me: who? [pulling his face close to mine] who told you the world was gonna roll me
smashmouth guy: it was *sobsob* SOMEBODY
date: i’m very level-headed
me: [furious that the word ratify doesn’t mean to turn something into a rat] omg me too
ME: sorry, I’m just in a really dark place right now
COAL MINER: who the hell are you
Why is it PIZZERIA and not PIZZARIA?
– my brain at 2:00 am
do u think regular glue guns get jealous of the hot ones