A Clinton is running for POTUS, a Jurassic Park movie dominated the summer box office, and they found a knife on OJ’s property. It’s 1994.
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Detective: *into the earpiece* just act natural
Me: this tape is itchy
Drug Dealer: what
Me: what
I don’t use commas in my tweets I am a rebel without a pause
Any bird can be a woodpecker if it’s stupid enough
You can’t even be mad at the dog for this. You just have to be impressed.
[ten seconds into tv interview where my identity is being protected]
camera guy: don’t try to disguise your own voice, let the machine do it
[after sex]
Her: wow that was loud
Tin man: I’m a bit rusty
Me: I love eating nerds
Boy: (brings me Nerds candy)
Me: no, not that kind.
Pizza shop said they loved unusual requests so I asked if they could find my dad.
I’m like a squirrel. If I’m crossing a road, and a car comes by, I never know what to do. I just go mad.
Some of my friends are discussing why Harrison Ford is still playing Indiana Jones but honestly, having an 80-year-old professor not retire is like the most accurate part of the franchise
ME: Mexican food does NOT agree with me
BURRITO: Correct. Your thoughts on middle eastern power structures are banal and imperialist at best
There is wisdom there.
Denmark has a new king and queen we should attack at dawn
Reasons why i never let my girlfriend touch my iPhone. 1) I don’t have iPhone. 2) I don’t have a girlfriend.
I was having a political fight with someone on Twitter while my dog was out back barking at the wind.
Then we switched.
I’m not a chef but sometimes I use the word umami so people know I’ve seen some cooking shows.
To clean up or just move. This is the question.
It’s crazy how quick women are to cut each other’s throats over a guy!
I mean I’d understand if it were shoes….but a guy???
“As CEO of Tortoise Enterprises, this merger with Slug Corp is… Linda, where is everyone?”
“They all called to say they’re running late”
Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye is like Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye.
Kids are fun if you enjoy saying things like, “read the room,” only to have someone start reading literally everything there is to read in said room, out loud.
(Seeing an old friend) do you still have your birthday at mcdonalds
A drunk wakes up in jail, “Why am I here officer?”
“For drinking.” replies the cop.
“Great” says the man. “When do we start?”
My 7yo informed me that the fake tombstones we put up are both for the same guy and now he wants to know who Rip is.
The first time my daughter met her Great Aunt she turned to me and moistly whispered “I thought it was weird that you called her great, but I see it now”
What kind of outfit says “I want you to let me stand in your group so I don’t look like a loser but I don’t want to talk to any of you”?
[first day as a masseuse]
Me: [closing book] “…& they all lived happily ever after”
Customer: “That’s not what I meant by ‘happy ending'”
(first date)
Me: *hyperventilating*
Him: Don’t be nervous. Take a deep breath.
Me: Can’t. I’m wearing three pairs of Spanx.
if you become a ghost, don’t limit yourself to haunting houses. be the first to haunt a jellyfish exhibit! make a tulip your home and startle a bee. haunt a ball of yarn, get knit into a sweater. remember: it’s your soul that’s eternally damned, NOT your sense of style
Ate a moldy blueberry.
Thought of you.