Someone should figure out how to turn children arguing into energy. We would be able to power the whole damn world.
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ME: did u know that there’s no scientific evidence that flossing helps?
DENTIST: this is my daughter’s dance recital. Please leave us alone
I would love to be British. Drinking my leaf water and staring at a huge clock from my red phone booth, adding extra letters to wourds.
Them: Awwww, congrats! Are you about 6 months along?
Me: Nah, just ate a burrito supreme.
Them: I THINK IT’S TWINS!!!
Scientists: You’re all going to die. The Earth is doomed. Life is pointless.
Also: We spent millions on a woolly mammoth meatball no one can eat.
Are people l still falling for diet pill schemes?
“Here, take this magical pill with a half gallon of water and you won’t be as hungry, guaranteed!”
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first.
In case you’re wondering how sadistic toddlers are, my 3yo just bit into a hard boiled egg and was upset that there wasn’t a baby in it.
Hub: This looks delicious! I love spaghetti!
Me: I know
Hub: Pass the foot powder.
~and that’s why I can never eat Parmesan cheese again
Shit. Gotta huge job interview tomorrow and I have no clue where I put my prom dress
I really hate to get religious on here, but have you seen the thigh gap on Jesus. DAYUM!
My teachers always told me drugs were never the answer, but they also told me Pluto was a planet, so now I don’t know what to think.
I will not buy ornamental gourds this year!
I WILL NOT BUY GOURDS!*buys all the gourds (and a hay bale)
CANCELLING MY DENTIST APPOINTMENT THE LAST 4 TIMES:
-Sad
-Embarrassing
-Pretended it was a scheduling issue but they knew I was lyingCANCELLING MY DENTIST APPOINTMENT TODAY:
-Brave
-Iconic
-Protecting the world by not letting a stranger put his fingers in my mouth
Wife: You’re really on a roll today.
Me: : *wearing croissants as slippers* Please leave the dad jokes to me.
There will be no screen names left for our children’s children.
I can’t remember if I’ve got bacon in my fridge or not. I think I might have a touch of hamnesia.
God: welcome to heaven!
Me: but i didn’t believe in you.
God: yeah i get that a lot.
Me: so… we’re all good then?
God: lmao no I just wanted to do this *reaches for lever*
My wife thinks she was able to finally get rid of my favorite chair on the neighborhood free page except it’s actually me coming to pick it up later.
You wanna do stuff with toys in bed? Let’s do it; I’ve already got like 3 hot wheels cars and a Barbie in there right now, so….
I sprayed FeBreeze on the recliner and now my dog won’t talk to me.
For most people, bikini season lasts a few short summer months; but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I get to eat bikini all year round.
“One box of murder hornets, please. And yes, it’s a gift.”
My dentist told me I need a crown. I was like I KNOW, RIGHT?
*drinks beer from my glass slipper*
same vibe as tangled headphones
To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.
Wild falcons live to be about 13, so all the falcons in the wild today were born in the 21st century.
They’re millennial falcons.
I’m not saying I’m a mythical creature, I’m just saying that I am single on Twitter & also in real life.
These customers wanna come in at the most inconvenient times
-me during my whole shift