Ah yes, time for the biannual gaslighting of the cat, in which I slowly shift meals by 15 minutes at a time for two weeks in a ritual that is both mystifying and infuriating for him.
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I’ve been nominated Vice President of the PTA.
It’s only a matter of time before my political sex scandal.
Don’t even wrap my subway sandwich up, I’m wearing it out of the store.
ME: For my last wish, I want an infinite number of cooked turkeys.
GENIE: Hmmm. *checks Genie handbook* I’ll allow it.
ME: *begins removing all the wishbones*
GENIE: DAMMIT
The worst part of a 30-minute workout is the final 29 minutes.
[points at crying baby]
I used to be just like you, and no, it doesn’t get better.
Man about to invent sparkling water: Water is so good but I wish that it tasted terrible and made me feel sick.
Don’t even THINK about “honey”ing me if you’ve shrunk the damn kids…
[end of 1st round of my UFC debut]
Corner man: how you feeling?
Me [out of breath]: horny
Corner man: yeah you gotta stop trying to kiss him
If you were thinking of having kids, just know my 5 yr old daughter is upset and crying because her 3 yr old sister likes the same color as her.
Mario:
– Only went outside because of a kidnapping.
– Kept to social-distancing whenever possible
– If something got too close, jumped from a safe distance and landed on its head.
– ate mushrooms to survive this surreal hellscapeBe like Mario.
Stick with me and you’ll go places.
None of them good, but still.
Seasons are confusing in Los Angeles. Time to pull out my winter sundress.
If the USA is so great, why did someone make the USB
no one ever talks about the cheerful reaper.
Just saw somebody leaving the dispensary in a U-Haul truck. Leave some for the rest of us, cmon
[Being chased by killer]
Me: *Frantically tries to finish my Amazon order*
My daughter has decided singing happy birthday to her is punishable by death
Maternity confirmed
ME: *giggles* I wouldn’t say I have a ‘type’…
DOCTOR: Sir, you’re losing a lot of blood and we need to make this transfusion
I did win the cartwheel contest but the other people at the funeral seemed upset.
What would aliens say if told that Earthlings shift clocks by an hour to fool themselves into thinking there’s more sunlight
[Christopher Nolan on the set of Batman Begins]
Great Batman voice, Christian! Terrific stuff!
[aside] maybe Batman shouldn’t talk
Friend: So, do you workout?
Me: OMG, have you SEEN my abs?!?
Friend: No
Me: Yeah, neither have I.
A little boy just screamed down the tube carriage “if you’re happy and you know it clap your hands” and everyone remained silent. I love London
I’m sporting Cameron Diaz’ *Something About Mary” hairdo, but tragically, the magic ingredient is Cadbury Crème egg filling.
My phone refuses to recognize that Transatlanticism is a word. Do you know how hard it is to get through that word without predictive text. And I talk about Transatlanticism a LOT
[my funeral]
priest: we are all going to miss, uh… *snaps finger* you know.. *glances at my wife*
wife: *turns to my mom*
mom: Greg? I feel like it was something close to Greg.
This Amber Alert has gone off 4 times today.
I bet the people with hidden prison phones are shitting themselves right about now. 😬
Ever since they started calling pole dancers “artists,” I’ve been writing on my resume that my talents include “moving in artistic circles.”
[sharing a cold one with the guys]
“It’s my turn to hold the penguin now”
life has a lot less pushing cars filled with dead bodies into bogs than I was led to believe