Doctor: are u high?
Me: no, why?
D: bc ur dressed like Batman
M: well maybe Batman dresses like me
D:…
M: alright yea im a lil high
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Magneto: Never trust a beautiful woman, especially one who seems interested in you.
Me: *on the couch eating Ruffles in sweatpants* Yeah.
Easiest way to make friends? Craigslist
Hardest way? Hmm probably putting your chin on a stranger’s shoulder from behind them at an Arby’s
Want healthy, youthful-looking skin? Follow this sure-fire daily routine:
1. Be young.
2.
3.
4.
5.
4-year-old: Why do robbers steal money?
Me: So they can buy stuff.
4: Why don’t they just steal the stuff?
She’s a criminal mastermind.
Fellas,
If you kill a spider while you’re at her place, congratulations. You will be having sex.P.S. Bring a spider.
Me: *trying to handle work crisis before I’m fully awake, phone binging with apology texts from various people*
Person on phone: I’m so sorry this landed in your lap. I missed it. They missed it. We all missed it. Now it’s your problem and…Are you…did you just…growl at me?
Break up by making swimming motion arms every time they want to hold hands.
TAYLOR SWIFT: I knew you were trouble when you walked in
ME (wearing ski mask and holding up gun): what gave it away?
If you love something, set it free
If you hate something, do origami
If you’re hungry, go watch a movie
I don’t understand how advice works
In the next James Bond movie 007 has to prevent a Congolese arms dealer from selling nuclear-grade plutonium to a Nevada couple planning a gender reveal
the one time i draw them and of course it’s a meme
Guys that squirrel is on my patio in the dark dragging his little hand across his throat shit what do I do
Girl, are you a glass of water because I think you’re about to throw yourself at me.
Welcome to the middle age, there is no more a 5 second rule coz who tf can lift stuff in 5 seconds
Interviewer: “Describe a time when you broke the rules.”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I was at a restaurant and the waiter asked me to wait to be seated.”
Good News: It wasn’t a colon polyp.
Bad News: somewhere, a craigslist escort is missing a press-on nail.
[speed dating]
Me: Have you ever choked someone?
“No I would never do something like that”
Me: Next
I find a duck’s opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread.
The single greatest thing I’ve done as a parent is convince my kids that Twix are gross and that they should give them all to me.
Happy Halloween!
My family seemed kinda happy that the rice I made yesterday fell on the floor before I could serve it tonight.
Him: You are a souless ginger.
Me: Far from it. I’ve collected hundreds of souls. I keep them in an ancient wooden box.
Him: Funny!
Me: If they make too much noise at night I squirt them with the water bottle.
Him: *nervous laugh*
Wordle 241 1/6
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Finally figured out how to correctly play this game!
The safest place to hide junk food from your kids is inside a dirty clothes hamper right in their room.
Why’s everyone wearing green today. did the Hulk die or something
My 5yo doesn’t always play his harmonica, but when he does, it’s at 6:33 in the morning.
Report: Scientist walks in on climate changing, awkwardness ensues
I found a cure for my debilitating cancer. I dumped her and started to see a capricorn instead.
The Secret Service are so bad at their jobs. Everyone’s heard of them.
My mom’s 60-something friend was set up with a 67-year-old guy who is “not looking for anything serious” in case you think that ever ends